Net: Did everybody …

Net: Did everybody go check out our fancy new online Internet e-web page? We hear it is the best page on the Internet. Go there six times a day. Click the banner ads constantly. Spraypaint “www.mndaily.com” on campus buildings. Run around campus naked, yelling “I love Daily Online.” LOVE THE WEB SITE. (Yes, our marketing department is holding a pistol to our beloved Commodore 64.) So, in conclusion, GO TO WEB SITE!

CRIMINUTS

From Anne Tenna: O Just and All-Knowing Network, Tuesday’s front-page story on alleged computer theft by a student included this interesting information:

“[U. Police Detective Marianne] Scheel said another student was involved. However the suspect escaped prosecution for the crime after he never returned police phone calls.
“‘Fortunately for him he wasn’t charged criminally, but I believe that he committed a crime just as Victor Bruno did,’ Scheel said.”

I am so impressed by the lengths the U Police will go to get their man. Imagine, placing actual phone calls! Net: *gasp* Usually they just send the criminal a stern letter telling them to turn themselves in If the suspect had answered the phone, I assume the conversation might have gone as follows:
“Hello?”
“Hi. This is the University Police. We were wondering if we might come by and arrest you later on today for grand larceny.”
“Um — what time? I have class till 4:00, then I usually go for a snack, and then later on I meeting with a guy to sell some – uh – merchandise.” Net: On E-bay, no less
“Hmm. How about tomorrow?”
“Well, uh – actually I was leaving town tomorrow for – for a trip. Yeah, a trip I was planning. Pretty far away trip. Yeah.”
“OK, well, darn. It looks our schedules just aren’t going to work out.”
“Right. Sorry. Look, if it was a really important crime, like a murder or something, I might have been able to fit you in.”
“No, it’s just a theft of University equipment totalling over $6,000. No biggie. Have a nice time on the trip. Oh, by the way, is it OK if we just say in the paper that you committed the crime, rather than having to use all that ‘alleged perpetrator’ bullshit?”
“Gee, I’d rather you didn’t.”
“OK. Bye!”
Net: Bad boys, bad boys. What ya gonna do?

BIKES APPARENTLY SUCK

From The Flash: Arr, Net! Ever since I started to make the daily walk Net: You mean the Daily walk? to class, this has been nagging me every day. Net: The itching and the burning in your naughty places? Y’know that little walkway behind Lind Hall that bypasses the construction on the Mechanical Engineering building? Now don’t get me wrong, it’s great that they have it there so you can get to some of your classes a little bit quicker, but alas, Net, it’s being abused. It’s being abused by stupid people. Net: Sometimes we think that about ourselves Yes, believe it or not, we have stupid people here on campus. Net: Typically they make them teach theory-based journalism classes. You know the ones: They all start with “Mass media and Á” Now for those of you who’ve never walked through this particular walkway, it’s barely wide enough for two people to walk side-by-side. It also has two nice 90 degree turns. Net: Be sure to bleed off a little speed and cut across the apex so you don’t lose traction So anyway, I’m walking to one of my classes one day (Net, please insert joke on what class I could possibly be taking right here Net: We’re not your bitch), and decide to take this nice little shortcut. Of course, others are walking through the same time I am, and the basic system of two lines of people walking opposite directions is being used. Net: Sheep All of a sudden, what do I see approaching me in the other line? Some idiot on his bike. No, not walking his bike, which would be the smart thing to do, but riding it. Oh, of course me and this moron-on-wheels turn the same 90 degree corner at the same time, and (you guessed it!), he loses his balance and almost takes me and the people walking behind me out. Net: The U should hand out training wheels like they hand out condoms It would have been fine if that was the only time that it happened, but this has happened on a few other occasions and it’s starting to piss me off. And so, to the readers of this ultimate masterpiece called the Network, next time you are walking through this walkway and you see someone trying to ride their bike through it, I beg of you to kindly say: “Hey dipNUT! Get the NUT off your bike!” Thank you … Net: Be sure to use “NUT”

LIKIN’ THE MELCH

From I.T._Master: Hello, jerks and gems. I’d like to start by making fun of a very dumb place in our country — Wisconsin. But that could literally fill the entire Daily, Net: As it should so I just want to say, ’twas nice to see their severely overrated team get beat by the Evanston Wildcats, wasn’t it? GOPHERS 4 LIFE!!! Net: Yeah, and the Gophers did quite well themselves down in Purdue. You know they don’t even allow booze in the Purdue stadium? Not to mention the lamest jumbotron animations ever.
Now, to change topics, I’d like to know why people think that the Caseous comic sucks. I think it’s the best piece of entertainment to come along since the Super Nintendo. Net: Even better than the Atari Jaguar? Or the Nintendo Virtual Boy? For example, isn’t it funny how Gnome can’t put his arms down? Or how the frog is named . . . “Frog”? Net: We always thought he was supposed to represent the stereotypical French person And big, dumb, cuddly bear-creatures are ALWAYS a plus. Besides, ANYTHING’s better to read than Dr. Dork (a.k.a. Dr. Date):
Entry: Dear Dr. Date, I’m a freshman and I’m in love …
Dr.Date: I’m 61 and I masturbate with lettuce.
Entry: Dr. Date, my crotch smells . . .
Dr. Date: I once dated a pre-operative transexual dolphin.
Entry: Dr. Date, is it bad to cheat on people?
Dr. Date: I can melt cheese with my prostate.
You see? His advice is pointless. Long live Caseous!!! Net: We just wish it had more nudity.