For 16 years, the white Teflon bag that clogs downtown Minneapolis has been the host of some kind of strange activity for 81 days between April and September.
The latest theory behind this activity is that a group of noticeably less than 15,000 people gather in this bubble to stare at a sub-zero baseball team. They call themselves the “Minnesota Twins,” and have apparently been in Minnesota since 1961.
“I’ve never heard of them either,” said former pitcher Frank Viola, despite supposedly winning a “World Series” with the team in 1987. “And the only thing I remember about 1987 was when Joe Niekro got caught for doctoring baseballs. That was funny as hell. Everyone carries an emery board, sandpaper and Vaseline in their back pockets — it’s a pitcher’s survival kit. That joker had an ERA over seven.”
The Twins apparently won a second World Series in 1991, thanks to some heroics from one-year wonder Kirby Puckett and “Mr. Loyalty” Jack Morris.
Since that year, the team has continued to rot and reside in the downtown hot-air balloon known as the “Metrodome.” But many in the “organization” are grumbling about the need for a new place to play.
“Clearly this stadium is the problem,” said perennial triple-crown contender David McCarty, following his patented 0-for-infinity road trips at the plate during the mid-1990s. “You look at the guys we have: Scott Klingenbeck, Kevin Maas, LaTroy Hawkins, Fred Manrique. I hate to jinx it, but we’re looking at the potential to be baseball’s version of Bill Russell and Bob Cousy’s Celtics. A publicly funded stadium is the only thing that is holding this team back.”
So if this Twins baseball team is on the verge of a dynasty the sports world will never see again, then why is it that no one has even heard of them in the team’s home state?
The obvious theory is a lack of coverage on the part of The Minnesota Daily. In the interest of covering University sports, the Daily has allowed this juggernaut of a team to go literally unnoticed.
Other blind guesses include attention being deferred to Tom Clancy’s Vikings, which were nobly rescued from the evil clutch of Roger Headrick, but fell just short of the Super Bowl after a magical season. Or Stephon Marbury leading the Timberwolves into the playoffs following the most aesthetically pleasing season in NBA history.
But these are all merely theories. The investigative “reporting” done by the Daily is inconclusive as to whether or not this “major league” team exists and if the “Metrodome” is the place of this so-called “magic” and “enchantment.”
The Twins are convinced the fads that were ’87 and ’91 have returned, this time forever. Their problem is trying to convince Minnesota’s residents that this team won’t end up like another obnoxious American fad: jazz.
“I think jazz was different than these Twins,” Viola said. “No one knows about these Twins; hell, I didn’t even know about them. But everyone knows that jazz failed miserably. If all holds true, these Twins and the Metrodome won’t end up like jazz did. Then we can all jump on their bandwagon without ever having to get off like we did with jazz.”