Hell freezes over; ABBA

Jim Schortemeyer

LEVEL 6, HELL — A new “anal probe” of the Earth has revealed a fact that is stunning University researchers and fluffy bunnies alike.
The main news from the probe, called “Jimmypagerobertplant-johnpauljonesjohnbohnham,” is that the temperature in Hades has reached a nipple-curling 33-degrees Fahrenheit.
But that’s not all. University researchers have come to a startling conclusion: ABBA will be making a much-unneeded return to the pop charts.
“It’s really the only logical deduction,” Dr. Mills Tarvier said. “People keep saying, ‘When hell freezes over.’ Well, it’s going to now, baby! Once that temperature hits 32, I’m going to be a dancing queen.”
Apparently the researchers were on to something. Hell was a beehive of activity yesterday afternoon as workers prepared for a duel onslaught — the cold, as well as ABBA’s return.
Some of the concerned residents and lords of the underworld were hurriedly preparing for the release of a new ABBA CD, “More Fuckin’ Gold.”
One minion, Millis Tarvere was working on a duet with Liberace on the ABBA classic “Waterloo.”
“Promise you’ll love me forever more,” Liberace sang with a joyful gleam in his eye.
“And I intend to,” Tarvere said after the run-through. “Really, we couldn’t be more pleased with this turn of events. None of us are really sure why the temperatures have been dropping, but my nipples have been as hard as rocks for weeks.”
Topside, reaction has been mixed. Drunken sorority girls at parties have formed a new ABBA fan club called “Something” to honor the new group.
“I don’t know, I just think they’re really cool,” co-founder Milly Tarvis said. “I just … (retching sound) … whoo-hoo! It’s 2:30 Monday afternoon and I’m trashed!”
Reaction from the group itself has been slow coming. It is unknown at this time whether the band is actually still alive, or what they are doing. The music channel VH1 has been contacted to do a “Where are they now?” segment in hopes of finding the band.
It is believed that ABBA is actually in hell, but Satan denies the supergroup’s presence. The “Dark Prince” also declined any comment about the rumored return of Tommy Tutone to the recording industry.
ABBA has already been booked to play dates at the Acropolis and the BBC. No word yet on any North American tour dates.