Friday night marked the end of a two-year hiatus from sexual activity for one lucky, drunk student. After an hour’s worth of conversation with an attractive female at Stub & Herb’s Bar and Grill, the drunken Charlie Prose was taken by the hand, led back to the woman’s apartment and given sex.

When asked how he was able to pull off such an impressive feat, Prose gave sole credit to his ability to remember the woman’s name on that fateful evening.

“The only difference between Friday night and any other normal night out for me was that when she told me that her name was Sherri, I made an effort to store the name in my long-term memory,” says Prose.

This proved to be the catalyst that brought upon the eventual consensual sex.

“Our conversation was typical. I complimented her on her outfit, we discussed our majors and I lied to her about remembering her from psychology class freshman year. But at the end of the night when I said to her, ‘It’s been a pleasure. I wish that this night didn’t have to end, Sherri.’ That’s when her face lit up with joy and she began to nudge closer to my bar stool.”

It was at this point that Prose realized the positive impact that the remembrance of a woman’s name can have on a potential relationship.

Knowing that Prose did not spend the night in his own bed and noticing a bounce in his step the next day, Prose’s roommate Brandon Weber was quick to inquire about what had happened between him and Sherri.

“You skrogged her didn’t you Chuck?” he said.

Upon discovery of Prose’s recent sex, he was instantly required by his roommate to deluge the secrets to his success. At first, Prose’s friends were skeptical of his new “name theory,” but as they discussed it further, their confidence in the validity of the theory grew.

“See, what I did was think of a famous person with the first name Sherri. The only thing I could think of is Sherri Bobbins from that Simpons episode,” Prose said.

Weber concurs with Prose’s theory that girls like it when you remember their names.

“Yeah, man, totally. I can’t think of a time that I have slept with a woman and not known her name. Clearly there has to be some connection,” he said.

Further investigation into the theory here on campus has produced more support for Prose’s “name theory.”

The University’s most prestigious social psychiatrist, Nancy Williams, claims this is an anomaly.

“Although I know of no studies that examine this particular phenomenon, academic literature and my own personal experiences lead me to believe that Charlie’s ‘name theory’ has some validity,” she said.

Williams does not think the theory will hold up for the opposite sex, however.

“While there may be a correlation between a man’s ability to remember a woman’s name and the amount of coitus he is able to partake in, my professional opinion is that a woman’s ability to remember a man’s name will bear no effect on her ability to participate in love-making,” she said.

No matter what your opinion is on Prose’s new “name theory,” clearly this is an issue that will not be put to rest anytime soon. Prose, his roommates and numerous others have vowed to continue their research in hopes of mounting more evidence in favor of Prose’s “name theory.”

In fact, a few of them will be putting their newfound knowledge to the test this upcoming winter break at local bars. They ask only that the names of these bars be temporarily withheld in order to maintain the integrity of their experiment. Further developments regarding the “name theory” will be reported as they become available.

Smiley Gladhands covers alcoholic
beverages with his mouth and welcomes comments at numerous bars