Net: Welcome to another week at the University. The weather is unseasonably warm, and the mood is mellow. Students are working hard and preparing to give thanks. And we, at Network, have a trend. In our continuing pursuit of fairness and diversity of opinion, and in homage to Peewee, who seems to be the inspiration for this screed, we present today’s manifesto.

From Timbo: I’ve tried to include as many stereotypes as possible for you knuckleheads at the Daily. Net: Good morning. How are you? My, we’re starting off on the right foot today, aren’t we?
I promise you, this is original:
I write for The Minnesota Daily.
I never let the truth stand in the way of a good story. I don’t need to check sources because I am always right. The facts, while interesting, are irrelevant. I turn even the smallest issue into a Watergate-like conspiracy simply by using an unnamed source. I do this because it makes me feel important.
I am smarter than you. Don’t let my fifth-year-sophomore status fool you. I’m cooler than you are. I’m busy fighting “The Man.”
I’m an opinion leader. I filter news because I can. I write glowing stories about queer kiss-a-thons, hunger strikes over stupid issues and PSO demonstrations.
I mock the greeks, ignore the College Republicans and know that it’s up to me to discover the latest evil plot set forth by the University administration.
I’m in denial thinking that my seven-year stint at the Daily will get me a real job if I ever manage to graduate. I refuse to believe that my only opportunities will be writing the “Businessman of the Week” column for the Warroad Tattler or covering high school volleyball for the Heron Lake Independent. I will make a difference. I will bring down governments, fight corruption and be a fair and accurate voice of the Fourth Estate.
Unless I’m offered a decent job in the Gannett empire. Then the hell with that fair and accurate voice crap.
I write for The Minnesota Daily. Net: Thanks for your input, Timbo. We’re certain this will be clipped and discussed all over the newsroom. Now, if you don’t mind, we’re going to go fight “The Man” for awhile.

From Khaki Girl in a Suited World: I have finally decided to write to you in hopes that my complaint about Carlson advising will be read by all on the University campus. Net: Well, you came to the right place. EVERYONE reads us. Would it not be beneficial for Carlson advisers to have some clue about the workings of their own school? I have spoken with my adviser, as well as others, on numerous occasions and found them to be anything but helpful. Not one of them has the slightest idea how to help a student plan for a major, what classes should be taken, etc. What exactly are they being paid to do? Net: They’re there to teach you to be independent thinkers. To take initiative. To take the bull by the horns! And with the bull they spew you, you graduate very well-prepared for corporate America.
I have other complaints. Please let me continue with the instructors. Give up the damn power-point slide shows! Net: Yeah. We’re still trying to figure this out, by the way. What can power point do that an old-fashioned overhead projector with paper can’t? Is this the ultimate expensive style-over-substance classroom aid, or what? Perhaps surprisingly to you, life is not made up of a long series of power-point slides. Net: Shhhh. Please give an entertaining lecture every so often just for a surprise. I get really sick of having 114 power-point slides read to me each day in class. I would hope my colleagues in these types of classes would agree, but they are probably too busy brown-nosing the nearest corporate representative. Net: Once again, you’re gaining excellent preparation … Please, people — when you get your high-paying jobs, spend some of your money to buy the life you currently lack. The Carlson building is full of human robots programmed to be overbearing, selfish, financially-orientated, back-stabbing assholes.
From the blond wannabe Hitler Honors bitches Net: Hitler Honors? Now THERE’S a cutting-edge curriculum, to the self-serving Business Board full of resume builders, and one egotistical fraternity that perversely believes that someday its members will rule the world, the Carlson school can boast of nothing better then these fine examples of the pathetic recruitment this program has. They ought to be shot. Net: Ergo, Hitler Honors.
I do not fit the Carlson image of the perfect student, but I’d rather be a radical outcast then a member of this condescending society. Net: Yeah — wear those khakis with pride. Maybe someday you’ll progress to — jeans!! Imagine the social uproar! There is room in Carlson for the independent-minded! Net: ‘Cause dammit, WE NEED JANITORS! Please voice your opinions!
Congratulations to the truly smart students of the University who attend other colleges: CLA, IT, etc.! Net: Have you ever seen “etc.” used with an exclamation point before? OK, everyone, let’s hear it with feeling — “ETC.”!!! Your free minds and voices are unappreciated by those in Carlson! Net, thanks for letting me vent! Net: Hey — no problem. It’s all about social change — and the Good Lord knows us fifth-year sophomores applying to the Warroad Tattler are all about that. Unless, of course, USA Today comes calling. Hey — you gotta be practical! And that’s why we say, hats off, Carlson. Somebody’s gotta feed the beast, and we’re happy it’s you and not us. ETC.!!!