SPRING!!!Net: It…

Net: It is that time, and thoughts have turned to spring’s frivolity and infatuation. Today we shall pause, hearts aflutter, and reflect on the meaning of the season. (We think it has a lot to do with wet T-shirts, personally.)

From IT Sheetrocker: Why is it that when I look outside in the spring, the only thing I see are CLA “students”? (I use that term loosely). Net: Possibly because, first of all, CLA is the largest college in the University (so speak softly). Secondly, despite their advanced training, many students in the sciences don’t seem to understand that, when it warms up, it’s OK to be outside. Shouldn’t they be studying for Theatre 1101 (Norwood is a god) or possibly 1102? Net: CLA students study for life, kid. They don’t need no textbooks. I just don’t understand. They come into my Calc 8 class, set the curve, and don’t study. What the hell?
For all of you CLA students that was sarcasm Net: Thanks for clarifying that for us. You should know, however, that jokes lose something when they have to be explained. You might want to find a better formula for your delivery, you guys are so faraway from even touching the curve, you touch yourselves. Net: But when we think about you …
But enough on your excessive masturbation habits. Net: Remember. We know your real name. I just want to know how they can spend the whole damn quarter outside, except for when it rains. Net: Resilience, and devotion to God and country. The CLA ethos is known University-wide for its fortitude and forthrightness. And some kick-ass parties. Now if you CLA students can figure out how to send something to the Daily Net: “Send something to the Daily?” We are the Daily. We all want to know the secret to your success. Net: First of all, avoid domestic beer. Second, always remember that sex is the be-all and end-all of existence. Third, third … sorry. We’ve got to work on our counting skills.
From Antrobus: Oh marvelously adequate Network! Net: Hmmm … marvelously adequate. More tepid than our usual adoration, but I guess we’ll have to go with it. You have asked for poetry and I have delivered. I have written a sonnet about a subject near and dear to me which I’m sure your intelligent and sophisticated readers will appreciate:

I’d like to eat a giant plate of Spam,
With sev’ral friends at Eddie’s Bar and Grill;
That Eddie makes some tasty “Not-Quite-Ham,”
Which I will eat until I’ve had my fill.
Some say that Spam is used to torture men,
By feeding it to them until they die;
But when it’s near I always have a yen
For hearty portions of a good Spam pie.
Not everyone can like the stuff like me;
Not everyone can eat it every day.
And so I think they’ll never really see
That eating it makes life so much more gay.
If you’ve tried Spam you know this must be right:
Who e’er loved Spam, that loved not at first bite?
Net: Wow. A perfectly composed Shakespearean sonnet, with an iambic pentameter, ABAB CDCD EFEF GG rhyme scheme and everything. Keep it coming, readers — we continue to stand in awe of you.
From Finder of Lost Things to Stephanie: I found a set of keys in front of the Ecology Building in St. Paul on Tuesday. Net: He has walked through the fields, only to be with you. Just to be with you. I did not take a good look at them so I do not know if they fit your description, but I am pretty sure they are the keys you are looking for. Net: And we still, haven’t found … I turned them into the Ecology Building Room 100. Hope they are yours. Hello to all in Network land, Net: Hi. Have a pleasant day, y’all.

From Chet to Screech, The Spend Thrift: I believe you are mistaken about why Sconies are better tippers than Minnesotans. Net: The inability to count? Cheesebrains are better tippers because Wisconsin is made up of all white people Net: Whereas Minnesota’s white people are occasionally part-green from their envy of the Wisconsinites, and as Reggie White Net: Wisconsin’s most celebrated sociologist (head of the Reggie White Think Tank) pointed out, white people are good at “tapping into money.” Since cheesebrains have so much money, they can tip well, not to mention spending insane amounts of money on anything green and yellow. Net: Those colors go well with white — but what about pink? Of course — wouldn’t want to raise Reggie’s suspicions.
As to your pathetic devotion to your beloved Packers, I suggest you go back to your trailer park in Cheeseworld, tap into all the money you can, and use it to buy a clue. Net: It’s an idea — but we have ideas too. We have concerns. We are concerned that this innocent tipping discussion has metamorphosed into the dreaded Minnesota vs. Wisconsin debate we swore we’d never tolerate. Because of this, we are declaring the case closed, with discussion hereby ended. As far as why (of even if) Wisconsinites are better tippers, we will never know. What we do know is that we will never drown in a sea of cheese — unless we created it ourselves.
Have good days, all, and enjoy the spring-like weather, even if it’s raining. At least it won’t kill you.