From TheChamplinDogcow: I’ve discovered that it’s getting extremely difficult to find copies of the MN Daily during the afternoon. Net: Generally the libelous slander has been discovered by that point and the issue has been ripped from the shelves to the embarrassment of the Daily as a whole It seems like they run out of copies at the exact time I decide I want to read the Network! Now I’m not sure if anybody else has this problem, but I’ve finally discovered a solution to help everyone else out there. There are plentiful fresh copies of the MN Daily in those “Recycle Newspaper” trash bin waste receptacles around campus! Net: But it is so hard to find a virgin crossword. The ones we find are generally defaced by people who don’t seem to realize the answers are not supposed to contain numbers or symbols I’ve also discovered this method can help other people. Those crazy environmentalists who think it’s bad for trees to read a newspaper can simply read a slightly used copy from now on. Net: Not to mention the hungry students who can find a tasty leftover snack or empty bottle to play with from the adjacent trash bins! And those crazy people that forget to bring an umbrella can fashion a new one anytime they want! Just thought I’d offer my help. P.S. Dubya rulz and Algor sux!
From mediumsizedrelativelyfirmdonkeydick: In response to hunglikeamule‘s query relating to humorous euphemisms regarding genitalia, masturbation, copulation, bowel movements, et cetera, here are my favorite selections from my repertoire of amusing terms:
1. Genitalia: “john thomas” for the gentlemen; for the ladies, “bearded clam” Net: We like ‘Naughty bits’
2. Masturbation: “going 5 on 1” or “riding the Great White Knuckler” Net: ‘Uploading the hard drive’
3. Sexual relations: “taking the skin boat to tuna town” or “sticking the hoohoodilly in the cha-cha” Net: ‘Calling your mother’
4. Crapping: “dropping the kids off at the pool” or “the brown army storming the porcelain beach at Normandy” Net: That one is suspiciously like ours from yesterday Á PLAGIARISM ALERT!
5. SPECIAL BONUS CATEGORY: Mullets: “Soccer rocker” or “Camaro cut” or “Achy Breaky hair” or “Tenessee waterfall” or “schlong” Net: ‘The Lucia Shuffle’

From whitemaleminority: This is in response to Hunglikeamule‘s entry.
1. Genitalia: Junk. It is the only term worthy of mention Net: ‘Happy parts’
2. Masturbate: Spanking the monkey, burping the worm, flogging the dolphin, pulling the goalie, or doing the five knuckle shuffle. Net: ‘Extrapolating the bell curve’
3. Sex: F—ing, boning, doing the dirty deed, scrogging. Net: ‘Visiting your grandma’
4. Crapping: Pack a bowl, lay a rope, drop a chalupa, pump a grumpy, squat a brat, or dropping the kids off at the pool. Net: ‘The White Castle Revenge’
Speaking of which, I gotta go pack a bowl right now so see you bye.
From Obsessedhockeyfan: Net, it’s a conspiracy! Is it possible that our No. 1 Hockey team lost to those savage beasts in North Dakota? Net: No, it didn’t happen. There we’re no hockey games this weekend. We don’t know what you are talking about I only got to see the game on TV, because I am one of those poor students who couldn’t even kill anyone worthwhile to get my season tickets. But I have written some of those wonderful additions that bring joy to the world … Haiku!

Friday’s game was lost.
Lots of weeping was then done.
Saturday we’ll win!

Saturday a tie.
North Dakota came on strong
Gophers tried their best.

Oh those nutting refs.
Could you please make a good call?
No?! Then you should die.

Well that feels a lot better. Oh, mighty Net I still have one question about the game on Friday though. How did the ref get his numbers confused and give a penalty to a benched player? Net: He was penalized two minutes for not smiling Really, how does that work? The refs were out to get us! They gave penalties with one second left in the third period of Saturday’s game. What a joke! Also, to all of you who are not able to count, or are just to drunk to think that hard …

If you cannot count
Please don’t write Haiku Net: HAIKU ALERT!
If you are, please stop!!

From TheManWithTheLightbulbHead:

Thank you Japan for
haiku, anime, sushi,
& seppuku, too.

Without A&E
there is no reason to read
your crappy paper.

Money calls the shots.
Look out Network you’ll be next,
you’re not lucrative.

Man with Lightbulb Head
says, you’ll be out on the street
with all the riff-raff.

You didn’t speak out,
& when it’s your turn no one
will speak up for you.

Net: We make cash money
Thanks to high-priced endorsements
Drink ten Cokes a day!