Net: Our mailbox Mo…

Net: Our mailbox Monday was, of course, filled with commentary on current events, as we asked (we have you so well-trained). Of course, very little of it had anything to do with the nation’s impending succession crisis — that’s not to be expected after THE BRONCOS CUT THE CHEESE!
Yes, it was a tough day for all the Wisconsinites in our midst. But oddly enough, our readers seemed pretty excited about the whole thing. Whether this is an indication of a disproportionately Rocky Mountain readership, we don’t know; more likely, it’s an indication of the thick cynicism that envelops this page. Regardless, thanks for writing, and as the Brooklyn Dodger fans used to say, “Wait ’til next year!”

From Chet: Hey, where was all the green and yellow Packer crap on Monday? Net: Lost in the rarefied air of a Rocky Mountain high, we think. What happened to all the Packer hats, sweatshirts, jackets, flags and cheese wedge hats that I saw all over campus on Friday? I thought Packer fans were supposed to be the most loyal fans in the world, who always support their team, win or lose. Net: C’mon — how cheesy can you get? Most Packer fans have a collective amnesia that spans from Vince Lombardi’s retirement until 1994. I can’t believe they would let a thing like losing in the Super Bowl to the lowly Denver Broncos Net: Nothin’ low about Denver. It’s the highest city we’ve ever been to. Dude — ever catch Phish at Red Rocks? and blowing the NFC 13-year win streak in the process stop them from dressing in the full Packer outfit. Net: Sorry — all the crow costumes were sold out.
Looks like they are just fair-weather fans after all. Suffice it to say, the Packers went down like an intern on the president. Net: !

From Winston: Well, the Super Bowl’s over and, goddamn it, I feel violated. If I hadn’t come to the U, I wouldn’t have cared whether the Packers or the Broncos won the Super Bowl. Net: What — was there something in the admission packet we missed? But being here has surrounded me with Cheeseheads, and I’ve been brainwashed into thinking the Packers are somehow superior. Net: A typical urge found in a state of predominantly German heritage. Achtung, baby. Now that they’ve lost, I feel disappointed and hollow.
If someone warps my sense of reality and gets me pumped up about something, they’d better make damn sure that team wins. Net: We felt the same way when we voted for Clinton. I want to feel good! Net: Then you’ll have to transfer to Colorado. Dude — didja ever see Phish at Red Rocks?

From Chris Cornell: Hey NITWIT Net: Hey — we get our own mail! NITWIT gets enough spotlight!, I think this is really dumb, that’s why I’m sending it to you. Net: Ahhhhhh … It appeared in my mailbox tonight along with most of the other spams I usually discard immediately. I deliberately removed the ordering information that was attached in order to save space. But, if on some lonely afternoon, you feel the need to slip out of reality and into a world where “You can actually have simple conversations” and “They will remember your name, birthday, and even say different things,” then just e-mail me and I’ll tell ya how to order your very own copy:
The Virtual Girlfriend and Virtual Boyfriend are artificial intelligence programs for your IBM PC or compatible and also for Macintosh. You can watch them, talk to them, ask them questions, tell them secrets, and relate with them. Net: None of us have ever had girlfriends or boyfriends like that. It’s a fraud. Watch them as you ask them to take off different clothes and guide them through many different activities. Net: Kind of like the Deli tape, only more interactive. Watch and participate in the hottest sexual activities available on computer, including: several sexual positions, using many unique toys — even bringing in multiple partners. Net: You need a computer for that? So much for the cattle barn on the St. Paul campus.
This is no doubt one of the most realistic, sexually stimulating computer games available. They will remember your name, birthday, your likes and your dislikes. Net: We find it more sexually stimulating if they never know our names. We’re Net, ya know. Every time you start the program, they say different things and act differently. Net: But do they get mad at you for things you did in their dreams? Each time, they have a different personality. Net: Now that’s what a relationship’s all about! With the VGA digital graphics, The Virtual Girlfriend and Virtual Boyfriend software have some of the hottest, sexiest graphics out there. And with a Soundblaster or compatible card, you can actually hear their voice as they talk to you. Net: But the relationship is doomed if you listen.
Virtual Girlfriend and Virtual Boyfriend are artificial intelligence programs, meaning they are completely interactive. Net: Sounds like a frat party. It would be just like if you were talking to someone. You can actually have simple conversations. Net: Okay. Your typical frat party needs less memory than that.
Their attitudes change with the different things you say, so you can say things that will upset them and then say things that will please them. Net: Can you call them constantly and follow them around after you break up? The more you play/talk with them, the more you learn what they can do, and what they like to do. It really is a blast. With all these movies coming out about virtual reality, it’s amazing to actually have a virtual reality program like this for your own computer. It’s easy to install Net: Good. NITWIT gets nervous, and instructions are easy to follow.
This is the first adult software title that was designed for both heterosexual and homosexual people. I would like you to try the actual full copy out before it is put on the market. It will be sold for 1/5 of the actual price ($10) Net: Interns are cheaper until I can get back some information on what people think of the program.
Please give it a try and write back any comments. Thank you. Net: And thank you for sharing your virtual reality with ours. Good luck, and remember: we know who you are.