From Jager: To the friend of Almafadante blah blah blah, send this article to your red-faced idiot of a friend. Almafadante something or other, you’re quite stupid, if you haven’t noticed. Net: It’s usually kind of difficult to overlook something like that. Unless you’re stupid. Perhaps you should have taken the time to consider that the “author” of the article in question probably came from Wisconsin. Think about it, he must be familiar with The Onion and therefore could possibly be one of your red buddies going to school up here. Net: A-HA! You’re caught in a trap! You can’t walk out! Because we love … oh, never mind. So, don’t give me any of this crap that your school paper is any better than ours. Net: The Onion is not, we repeat, NOT the UW-M school paper. And likewise, the Daily Cardinal and the Badger Herald are nothing like The Onion (i.e., worth reading). You don’t know our paper at all. The Net is wonderful in allowing us students to express our troubles and discontents about the University Net: And about Rollas rack. My suggestion is that you take that red-and-white ego pride of yours and shove it where the sun don’t shine Net: And kiss our grits, whileyerattit! because there is no way that the rivalry between our schools has been settled. The Great Golden Gophers shall prevail. Net: So help us, Yudof. Amen. As for that public apology, I agree with Net. I would rather walk through dog s##!t before I see you get a public apology.
From God’s Gift to Women: To Almafadante, first of all, your name sucks. Anyway, hello Net, how’s it hangin’ (insert funny Net quote here)? Net: You took up all the space in the parentheses. I am writing to tell all the cheese-eating, beer-guzzling, cow-humping, Net: mustard-slurping Wisconsin hicks out there to get the f&@k out of our paper. Net: Unless you paid student services fees, in which case we say: “Welcome, friends!” you are as welcome here as Brigham Young would have been on the Mayflower. Net: Mormons = Comedy Gold. You can bitch all you want about Smoove MoFo, who hopefully has received that ass-whupping by now, but the fact of the matter is it’s taken care of. He is already banned. Net: Damn skippy. You breaka our trust, we breaka you face. I mean, s##!t, a presidential pardon can’t get his fake ass out of that one. Also, quit talking about your hallowed Onion newspaper. You claiming that you need to protect it is like me bragging about the time I wrote a little piece I call the Emancipation Proclamation. Net: A fine work of literature if ever there was one. Kudos to you, sir! You have nothing to do with The Onion, and I’m sure that is one of the reasons it is such a fine publication (yes, I have read it). Lastly, you attend the finest university in … Wisconsin. Net: BZZZT! Old joke. We took down the house with that one yesterday. Consolation prizes for you. Wow, that’s like sayin’ you’re the biggest attraction at the flea market. Wisconsin has, does and always will produce mass quantities of idiots with their fine institutions (many of which I’ve visited). Net: There’s the State Street Brat House and then there’s everything else. Our boy Taddy “The Sponge” and we went there a few years back … kissed a buffalo and got wild with some sauerkraut. Good times. I got nothin’ against drinking beer and eating cheese Net: Just don’t do it the other way around … as an occasional weekend pastime. When you realize that both you and Madison suck, then maybe you will be allowed to speak once more to Net and its disciples, but until then, the only good thing about Wisconsin is beer on Sundays. Net: … And to the Apple River, for which it stands, one waterway, over the rapids, indefensible, with toxicity and sunburns for all.
From Kung Fu Joe: While skimming through the rest of the Daily on Wednesday, I came across the headline that the art students are demanding a new building Net: Complete with cyber critics, who will ignore their kitschy works just as efficiently as the human ones. I don’t know why; the current one is training them for the eventual life of poverty that they will lead if they pursue a career in art. Net: It’s not poverty. It’s “La Vie Bohäme.” Oops, I forgot — there is no such thing as a career in art. Net: Unless you count topless dancing. Basically, unless Mommy and Daddy Net: and the NEA pay for them, or they marry well, they will be workin’ at Mickey D’s. I don’t know, maybe we should spend the millions that will be spent on the art building on something useful, like, uh, gee … Net: Wax for Ventura’s head? medicine would be nice. Have a nice day.
From The Prolific Procrastinator: Net: Closed circuit to PP: Thank you for your eloquent dissertation on the myriad meanings behind the Clash super-mega-ultra-smash-hit-sensation “Rock The Casbah.” Unfortunately, that’s not what we were looking for. Again … we don’t know the LYRICS. Now let’s get down widdit: Anyway, back to this graduation thing, apparently they only let you go to college for a certain length of time and then you have to leave. Net: As far as we know — and we speak from personal experience — as long as we keep signing checks, they’ll keep removing holds. I found this out when I was registering one quarter (remember those?) and the registrar said “Wow, this is your last quarter here. Congratulations!” Net: Translation: “Sucker.” So anyway, they gave me a diploma and just sent me out into the other world to get a job, and let me tell you, it sucks out here. Net: Do you think Yudof will let us kiss him on the forehead when we graduate? Sure, there are lots of jobs to choose from, but they get all upset if you decide to party hard one night and cut the first two hours of work. Sheesh! I don’t mean to alarm you, but you should know this is coming. I wish I’d known so I could have taken some classes for this sort of thing. Net: What, like Desk Job 1001? Water Cooler Communication Strategies? Advanced Office Gossip and Hate-Mongering? Take care and ROCK THE CASBAH!