OPEN MOUTH, INSERT FOOT
From Immanuel Kant’s Ethics Nurse: I was walking to my car after my morning class today when a “gentleman” approached me and asked if he could “kiss my feet.” Net: Tootsie Man is back, eh? Poor Tootsie Man … never gets any tootsie. Immediately I thought of you, Net, for I have read similar accounts in your column of many other women who had been approached by this “gentleman” throughout the school year. Net: Again; what harbinger of “what it is” beams to you the fundamental four-one-one? Network does. Of course I immediately told him that I have heard of him through the “Network” in the Daily and there was no way he was going to kiss my feet. Net: Poor, poor Tootsie Man (*sob*). WILL TOOTSIE MAN EVER PUCKER THE PRECIOUS PEDALS?!
Nooooo. That wasn’t enough to scare him off. He said that if he could “kiss my feet” it would make his millennium. How original. Not like I haven’t heard that line before.
I again told him how I had read about him in the Daily and he replied, “It must be some other guy.” Net: Your secret is out, Toots. We gotcha cold. I said, “Yeah, like some other guy is going to steal that line.”
So after asking me a third time if I would let him kiss my feet I, of course, looked at him blankly and replied, “I don’t think so.” He then gave me his permission to write to the Daily. Net: You don’t need Tootsie’s permission to do that, sister. FREE YOURSELF FROM HIS TYRANT WILL! (Cue patriotic music). WRITE TO NETWORK UNABASHEDLY, FOR NO REASON, AND WITH NO TOPIC WHATSOEVER! UNLEASH YOUR GARRULOUS GARBAGE UNTO THE NETWORKIAN THRONG, WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN INTEREST!!! At least, that’s what everybody else seems to do. So here I am, almighty Network … no longer a Network virgin. Net: Another Networkian is deflowered … and born. This is truly a beautiful moment. Sounds like ol’ Tootsie Man still a virgin of some kind, though … erm … heh-heh … well, you know what we mean … a-HEM! Well! Onward then!
CASE CLOTHESD
From Fratboy: Can you feel the high school cliques developed in college developed by the clothing that we wear? Net: Donning diving flippers, a “tweety-bird” suit and those outrageously huge sunglasses you get at the costume shop; that’s the kind of person we want in our “clique.” Sho-nuf. I highly doubt that an Abercrombie guy would seek out a noticeably Target wearing girl over an Abercrombie girl Net: Tommy Girls, Spice Girls, Riot Grrls, Girls, Girls, Girls (David Lee Roth) … we just love ’em all. So why, Fratboy, are you judging? … Target people meet at Target when they are buying their Wrangler jeans and Merona button-up sleeveless powder blue shirts. From the confines of their local Target superstore, these degenerates move on to their dwellings to talk about … all the beautiful models found in the Sunday target ads. Net: Everybody knows there’s nothing sexier than a “look, over there!” J.C. Penny pose. So stuff it. These people are doing the same as their neighboring Abercrombie mates, but they are: uglier, less intelligent and less wealthy. That’s unacceptable. Net: Hey, Frattie — there’s no doubt in our mind you’ve got an impeccably trained noodle in that fat head of yours … we can tell by your clothes! Neeeeeeext!
From Li’l Nothin’: I laughed, I cried, I got on with my life — well, maybe I did not cry. Net: Go ahead and cry. It feels good. But it is so much fun to sit down pick up the Daily and turn to the last page and read the comments back and forth then back again. Net: It’s been volley for serve since the days of Guess vs. Bennetton. Viva Palmettos! Over and over again I read criticisms of others and then denouncing the other. Well I would not dare to say stop, because it brings us those who need not be involved Net: You wear Pro Spirit too? so much enjoyment and insight into the passing of time. Well OK, I am rambling Net: That seems to be the theme today so now I get up off my feet and make another needless comment on the goings on of University life. So Abercrombie, well I cannot personally say I enjoy wearing somebody else’s name when I could wear none, or my own (all I need to do is go to the corner store and buy a paint set and then walla) for much cheaper than A&F. Net: The Li’l Nothin‘ fall fashions are already here! All they end up buying is a name. If it is the shirt you are buying, go right ahead, but I seriously do not see the thrill of buying a white shirt that will display Abercrombie across certain parts of my anatomy that already get enough attention. Net: Better than a “Got Milk” T-shirt. Next!
BRING ‘EM BACK ALIVE!
From Phlegm of Discontent: In retrospect, it was a bad idea. Net: Wahhht … that little fling you had in Haiti? Those of you who were here in the spring may remember that I had resurrected Teddy Roosevelt, John Wayne and the Roughriders in celebration of my victory over the last remnants of Mr. Crapflinger’s lab monkey rebellion. Net: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that got pretty ugly. We went out to spread American imperialism overseas, the way we did it a century ago. And it went quite well. Net: Except that Euro-Disney. Sheesh, you guys bombed on that one. We subjugated the Spaniards in short order and took over several Latin American countries in the process. And because I’m a fan of the 1940s, we invaded Normandy and Guadalcanal. Since more equals merrier, I also resurrected Patton and Sherman. I think that was my big mistake. They weren’t satisfied; Patton wanted to march into Moscow and Beijing while Sherman wanted to burn Atlanta again. When they were through, they would come back to the United States and beat down the hippies and yuppies and pinkos and just about everyone else. Normally, I wouldn’t mind so much except America is where I keep all of my stuff and I’m quite attached to my stuff. So now I’m faced with a dilemma. Should I kill two men who I admire for their work in fighting fascism and inbreeding, or should I let them invade America and threaten the intactitude of my stuff? I hope you can help me with this, O wise Network. Net: Dude, just put your stuff in Canada. Nobody goes there.
See? Solved. Good morrow.
