Net: Ahh, summertim…

Net: Ahh, summertime, and the livin’ is easy. Easy for us to say, that is.
What is it about summer session that drags? Is it the forlorn faces of the vacationless, hiking back and forth to class in the heat (and torrential monsoons) whilst the other half tans its tootsies at a cushy summer job near the comforts of home?
Is it the giddy graduates, flaunting their freedom in the faces of forsaken frosh?
Or is it that the King of Terror is poised to pounce in a matter of weeks? (We’re beginning to doubt it too, naysaying Networkians — and Citizen is still at large.)
Whatever it may be that wilts your lilies, we want the chance to cheer you. Consider us the clement breeze through the stuffy attics of Summer Session I. We’ll deal with Summer Session II — if we get there.
Onward, to the mail … some old, some new.
WHO’LL PLAY ELLIE MAY?
From HP Boy with help from Kylroy: Sung to the tune of the theme song of the Beverly Hillbillies.

Listen to a story about a man named Jed,
Poor country preacher bit funny in the head.
Then one day his hair all full of gel,
He came upon some folks and he damned ’em all to hell.
Hades that is
The black abyss
Land of eternal torment.

Next thing you know old Jed’s a puritan.
Kin folk said “Boy you got an eye for sin!”
Said college campuses the place you oughtta be
So he packed up all his things and went to the Twin Cities
Minneapolis
St. Paul
And a whole lot of suburbs.

Sorry but this is the best an IT guy and a psychology major can do. Net: The Northrop Mall Hillbilly! We’re sure you’re onto something. Perhaps a performance next time ol’ Jed comes around? We’ll gather up the University Jug Band …
FLEX APPEAL
From Oasis: Hello glorious Network. I know this may shock you, Net: Not much does these days but this letter has nothing to do with Rollerdiva, King T or any squirrel. Net: *Gasp!* It’s about “Kiana’s Flex Appeal.” Is this not the greatest program in the history of television? Net: Better than Barney Miller?! For 30 whole minutes I get to watch this hottie do bench presses and lunges with the gratification of knowing I am a better person for it! I know I should take notes on how best to maximize a workout, but most of the time I find myself in a haze of happiness created by every single sit-up Ms. Kiana does. And do you know what is the greatest thing about Kiana? She put herself in a time slot right between two telecasts of Sportscenter!
CROSS TO BEAR
Hi Network. Are you still in the lost and found business? Net: Only if it’s profitable. If you are, please let people know that a small cross was found on the sidewalk between the Rec Sports facility and Bierman Gym on or around June 3. It may have sentimental value. Net: Especially to that teeny tiny Jesus that’s been seen running around. If so, maybe they could describe it to you Net: Let’s see … it’s two miniature beams that intersect in the middle … kind of looks like a t … and you could pass the info along to me. Thanks.
LIKE BIKE
From J.S.: KC needs to get out of the car and ride a bike on a regular basis. Net: That’s just so much darn work. Problems addressed by KC:
1. Bikers who pretend like they are cars and ride in the middle of the lane so that cars can’t pass. Fact: A bicyclist has the legal right to the entire far right lane on a four lane street. THE ENTIRE LANE. Otherwise, a bicyclist must ride as far to the right shoulder as safely possible.
2. Stop signs, stop lights and crossing over. Fact: Many bicyclists run stop lights and stop signs. The general reason for this to get out of the way of cars as quickly and safely as possible. Net: Yeah, that’s it. The same reason we do it in our cars. If there is no one at the light but me and the dweeb in the car to my left, I’m going to run the light/stop sign to get a jump on the traffic behind me, so that we can get out of each other’s way.
3. Crossing over to make a left at a corner or stop light. Fact: IT’S LEGAL, GET USED TO IT. Again, as long as it is safe and not cutting you off in a big way, the bicyclist can cross over, just like a car. DRIVING YOUR CAR IS A PRIVILEGE, NOT A RIGHT. THE SAME BULLS##!+ RHETORIC FROM DRIVERS IS REALLY TIRING. KEEP IN MIND THAT THE GAS PRICES WILL NOT ALWAYS BE THIS LOW, AND YOU WILL NOT ALWAYS BE ABLE TO DRIVE YOUR SELFISH, GAS-SUCKING, LIFE-POISONING DEATH TRAPS. AND SINCE THESE WORDS WILL FLY RIGHT OVER THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD ANYWAY; THEN PLEASE, AT LEAST SLOW THE HELL DOWN.
YELLING ‘THEATER’ IN A CROWDED FIRE
From Glassface: There’s a certain epidemic going on in Frontier Hall as of late. Mysteriously every other night, it seems the fire alarm keeps going off at the odd hours of the morning. Saturday night the damn thing went off twice, at midnight and 4:30 a.m. Net: They really ought to store those piles of oily rags away from the matches. Freshman residents of the other dorms that I’ve talked to don’t seem to have this problem, so why do we? Who feels this urge? Is it the same folks that think it’s amusing to throw their ice cream cones in the tunnel to Pioneer? Net: Actually, we find that more than just amusing. Ha haaa! Ice cream cones!! Is it those guys who decided to flip over the pool table? Or maybe those awesome dudes who got all trashed and pulled out all of the bushes from out front last week? The message to these individuals: F##@% YOU! GROW UP! and learn to handle your alcoholic beverages.