Minnesota Stupid Association?

I I‘m not sure why people are so upset that voting results were leaked during the worthless Minnesota Student Association campaign of 2004. The fact of the matter is that a wild gopher could hold that job for a year and nobody would know the difference. I mean, come on – the Zearley-Pierce campaign had exactly what it takes to win the positions: popularity. If it is such a big deal that they knew they were going to win a day in advance, just impeach them and put a couple of random people (or a large rodent) in their place. University students just want the comfort of knowing there is an actual president.

The issue of campaign ethics would be more of a concern if, say, MSA wasn’t useless. Let’s face it; our student government’s main jobs are to regulate the student groups painting the bridge and, most importantly, to decide the homecoming theme. And even then, almost every judgment MSA makes is regulated by the University, so the idea of a government is in fact a placebo for politically conscious students.

I’ll admit it. I voted for Zearley-Pierce, but I had some valid reasons. Their giant, blaze-orange letter cutouts (pasted in Comstock Hall’s windows) were so beautiful and enticing that I considered it my duty to vote in the name of art. Furthermore, I spotted a man in a gorilla costume sporting Zearley-Pierce propaganda. I figure that if Zearley hired somebody to prance around handing out fliers in a monkey suit, he must be my type of guy. That’s why I am voting for President George W. Bush, actually. He looks like a chimpanzee.

The people complaining about the MSA vote are all losers anyway. And by that, I mean that they are the candidates who got between 0 percent and 2 percent of the vote. This is like Gary Coleman demanding a recount of California’s election for governor! The effort falls way short (pun intended). It is obvious that no matter what happens, Zearley-Pierce will still get to hold on to their insignificant positions.

I hope we can learn something from this. For one, elections aren’t perfect, nor does it matter when the election is for MSA. And two, primate affiliation can only help campaigns. It’s a sure thing in my book. Finally, this is my last column of the semester, so you won’t read any of my whiny gibberish sarcasm until next school year. Have a phantasmagorical summer, and, no, I haven’t a clue what that word means.

Mat Koehler welcomes comments at [email protected]