McPEACE
From Fat Abbot: Hey, hey, hey!!! Net: Being a member of what has now been labelled “Generation X” by cultural “experts” everywhere, we get that allusion to 1980s cartoon show that you have appropriated in a campy manner. NEWSFLASH, the rest of the Minnesota Daily IS good for something. Net: You finally got a birdcage? Or maybe you started to fish? Or are you talking about the totally awesome high you get when you lick the front page logo? Believe it or not Networkians, the Daily has found the solution to the problems in Northern Ireland. On page 2 of last Friday’s Daily, a very important fact was stated. Ulster’s chief policeman is none other than “Royal Ulster Constabulary Chief Constable Ronald McDonald.” That’s right, Ronald McDonald, after leaving McDonaldland, is now working in Northern Ireland! Net: Of course! The one place the Hamburglar would never find him! I know this amazes everybody, but I have also come up with the solution. It is difficult for Ronald to keep the peace, because he has never held a public office. Net: However, if you’re waiting for a dumb hackneyed clown with lots of goofy friends to hold public office, something tells us you’ll get your wish this November. However, his good friend Mayor McCheese ruled over McDonaldland for several years until forced out by the Burger King. Net: The Burger King’s tactics were nasty yet practical and efficient. Apparently you’ve never read “The Prince.” He did this by circulating rumors about McCheese being a salesman in Decatur, Ill. Net: That’s ridiculous. No one would CHOOSE to live in Illinois, with the exception of Chicago. If the government were to fly McCheese (obviously an Irishman) to Belfast to preside over Northern Ireland, Ronald would have the support he needs to not only keep peace in Ulster, but also arrest the Fry Guys and the Hamburglar. Net: Hopefully they give them the chair. Think of all the hungry Northern Irish kids those Fry Guys could feed. Let’s not stop here though. Net: Absolutely not. We have plenty of space to fill today. McDonald’s well-known friend Grimace is living in the Midwest as well. Net: This is true, we had him as a roommate once. He may look innocent and naive, but you should try sharing a bathroom with that guy. He never puts the seat down, and there were all these surprise puddles. We should fly Grimace to Northern Ireland along with George Mitchell to negotiate for peace. Who would argue with a 6-foot purple blob? Net: Let’s just hope Barney doesn’t show up. The odds on that fight would be too close to calculate. But if you’re the compulsive type that just has to bet … Network says Grimace takes it in six rounds. With success in Northern Ireland, Mitchell and Grimace could successfully run against both Bush and Gore and win the 2000 presidential election. Net: At this point the backwards talking midget from “Twin Peaks” could run successfully against Bush and Gore. It’s not like they’re geniuses. Have you noticed how whenever Bush is drawn in a political cartoon, he looks exactly like Alfred E. Neuman? This is not a coincidence. Unfortunately, Birdie would still be a crack whore in East Philly, but who cares? Net: Poor Birdie. Flew south and went a bit too far down.
SUBURBAN QUEEN
From MayQueen: Dearest Network, I write in response to Lab Attendant 5000’s rant about how Minneapolis is so boring. I assure you Lab, you are not missing much in Eagan. Net: But you guys have that swell airport really close by. And those funny named streets, like Pilot Knob Road. Hee hee. Sure, the floods were kinda neat, but the basement of our apartment building flooded and now our whole building smells like ass. Net: You sure that was floodwater? Is Grimace one of your roommates? It complements the lovely mud lining the floor of the laundry room now has. Net: People in Europe pay to be covered in mud. You should consider yourself lucky. The thunderstorms itself were not fun, though, because every enjoyable rumble of thunder Net: Mmmmm … thunder. was immediately followed by 10 car alarms going off in our parking lot. Net: This goes back to our “Mandatory SUV Ownership” theory regarding the suburbs.
Storms and floods aside, Eagan (like every other suburb) blows. Net: Finally, agreement from an actual suburban dweller. Although we admit, there are advantages to living in the suburbs. For instance, mandatory SUV ownership. Owning a gas-guzzling monster of an automobile allows you to easily drive over the smaller, cheaper cars that the less intelligent or poor commuters may own. Commuting to campus for work and school is terrible. First I sit in traffic for about 30 minutes, going about three miles in that time. Net: Wait, have you not gotten your SUV? Buy yours today! Then, once I actually get near campus, everything is marked with orange barrels and cones and lanes are closed for no apparent reason. Net: We really like to know who the genius was that decided “Hey, let’s begin ALL of the University’s construction projects at the same time!” The people who live in Eagan just suck. I have no friends out here because everyone is either a soccer mom or an Asian-gang-member-wannabe. Net: Is that the real reason you don’t have any friends? Plus, I’m outnumbered by SUVs 10 to 1. Net: Hmmm. Maybe you don’t belong in the suburbs. It’s slightly intimidating when all the other cars on the road are these huge tanks driven by morons. Net: Just think of them as big stupid animals with wheels. They’re much more lovable that way. There are also way more kids in the suburbs than I ever saw in Minneapolis. Net: Could that be because they actually give funding to schools in the suburbs? They’re all over the place out here, running in the street and whining to their parents at the grocery store. Net: You would think those SUVs would have hit a few of them by now. It makes me wonder why I ever moved here in the first place. Oh yeah, it was because there’s ample parking (day or night), gas and groceries are slightly cheaper, apartments out here are huge and cable modem access is readily available. Hope all you kids enjoy your summer in the paved over wasteland of Minneapolis. Net: First you say how bad the suburbs are, then you end if off by dissin’ on Minneapolis? Stay in Eagan, with your parking and modems, we don’t want ya!