April Fool’s Day: Get your joke here

Some athletes have been trying to steal the thunder of April Fool’s Day by celebrating the event a little too soon.
The goofy pranks of Reggie White, Makhtar Ndiaye and Mike Tyson would have been all the more hilarious if presented on the first day of April, in their proper forum.
Nonetheless, the rest of the sports world can’t let those wacky funsters steal all the glory. Perhaps other sports figures can use those actions as a springboard to bigger and better things, in an all-out attempt to become the greatest joker of all.
Maybe the following ideas will help inspire those in the local spotlight.
Clem Haskins
The Gophers coach has numerous options following his team’s win in the NIT title game, seeing as how fans will believe almost anything he has to tell them right now.
He could unveil his “All-Stanford” lineup, featuring triplet younger brothers of Jason and Jermaine.
Or he could announce that Sam Jacobson, Eric Harris, Bobby Jackson, Voshon Lenard and Kevin McHale are all coming back next season thanks to an NCAA technicality that allows Minnesota players a year of “surprise eligibility.”
But Haskins’ best bet is to call Kentucky coach Tubby Smith and congratulate the Wildcats on joining Minnesota as co-national champions.
Chris Voelz
The Gophers women’s athletics director, worn out after years of fielding questions about women’s basketball coaches, should announce her plan to take over the helm of the team next season.
Stephon Marbury and Tom Gugliotta
The pair of talented Timberwolves should approach owner Glen Taylor and tell him they are interested in signing long-term contract extensions at the NBA minimum salary in order to offset all the money the team has put aside for Kevin Garnett.
The players could enjoy a good belly laugh, and perhaps their agents’ hearts would seize (Yes, but the obvious question: What hearts?)
Brad Johnson and Cris Carter
The Vikings quarterback could score big points by going into team headquarters sitting in a wheelchair and wearing a neck brace.
At the same time Johnson calmly told coach Dennis Green his injury rehabilitation “wasn’t going as well as planned,” Carter could demand to become the new starting quarterback, thus reinforcing his demand to “get more touches.”
Doug Woog
Capitalizing on what was an off-year in an otherwise remarkable string of success, the Wooger is advised to hold a press conference to announce the men’s hockey team will no longer restrict its recruiting to players from the state of Minnesota.
After fielding questions about the tradition of the program and the impact on the state, Woog could break out phase two of the plan: gradually working up to an all-Idaho version of the Gophers.
Tom Kelly
His team’s best hitter, Paul Molitor, is the last living legacy to Abner Doubleday. His team, barring a big-time turnaround, will leave for North Carolina after this season.
Perhaps Kelly’s best prank would be convincing fans that the American League is still sanctioning Twins baseball games.
Tom Clancy
The new kid in town seems to have a good-natured attitude and certainly has an active imagination. That makes him the perfect candidate to pull off the ultimate gag.
Although he won’t be able to execute it all now, the planning must start immediately.
First, Clancy needs to hire a competent general manager.
Then, he’ll need a good mix of talented young players and workhorse veterans.
After that, he could use some luck — a few scheduling breaks here, a few key turnovers there — to get the Vikings into the Super Bowl. A couple clutch performances later, Clancy is sipping champagne and sitting on top of the world.
But just like in one of his books, something is mysteriously wrong. As he is being interviewed by ESPN, Clancy slowly starts to pick at his skin. When he gets a firm hold, he rips off his mask and reveals — ayeee! — Roger Headrick.
Now that would be funny.
— Michael Rand is the sports editor at the Daily. He welcomes comments at [email protected]