Net: Believe us, we…

Net: Believe us, we’ve noticed the stagnation in Networkia over the past few days. So we thought we’d introduce a topic: Who runs Network? We’re not even sure ourselves. We find ourselves pondering, who are we, really? Why are we still working at a paper that thinks it’s OK to pay us in drachmas? Maybe you can help us out with your letters, an outpouring of support perhaps, or something.
Andnowwegottago. But remember as you sit down to type in your letter: Who is Net? Next, on Matlock!

INTER-NET LOVIN’

From Rollerdiva: Net, to you and all those repressed co-eds Net: Are you insinuating we’re repressed? Interesting … living in various nooks and crannies across our vast and glorious campus, Net: By the way, Rolla’s coming to us today from the University of Montana. I have just returned from a sassantastical place, where hot, sexy men stroll around in the buff ever awaiting a ferocious female to invade their sacred and butt-naked sanctuary for a groovilitious roll in the hay, Net: Sounds like Puff Daddy’s crib, yo. Yar? Oh, to hell with it … to use the twangy term for hot, buttery lovin’! Nasty McShasty, you would listen carefully to these words; you can pretend I’m whispering them into your sweet little gunk-filled ear. Net: Oh, don’t mind us and the other 40,000 people reading this. We’ll just avert our eyes. You can comment to your friends, strangers and everyone who ever read Net, if only for one day, that I am the ugliest, most overweight, cak-sucking whore you ever met, (which of course, we all know to be the most repulsive set of lies ever invented), but if you ever invade my private and personal life again, I’ll really hook you up, Donnie Brasco style, ifyaknowwhatImean. Net: We’re going to guess that’s more of a threat than anything else. No empty threat Nasty, this rollerdiva means divafyable business. Net: And this Network isn’t yo’ daddy’s phone network. Yar, that’s not very funny. And to all you bachelorettes out there, take your brides-to-be to the Payne Reliever on a Saturday night. See description above for further info!

ALKOHAL IS PFUN

From TJ: This is in response to Nasty McShasty’s comment on MY taking of two bottles of Absolut at a party and leaving only $2. Net: As long as you don’t call anybody any names, we’ll let it slide. McShasty, you are a retard! Net: Oh, well. We tried. Not only do you make me seem like a “fresh-off-the-boat” Indian who talks like Apu, you make me look like an alcohol-virgin. Net: OK, it’s official, we’re bored of Network. We will now hum the theme song from “Dukes of Hazzard” throughout the remainder of Net. I came to the United States when I was two, Net: Hmmmm, hm, hm, hm, hmmmm and I’ve been influenced by 18 years of American culture. Net: hmmmm, hm, hm, hm, hmmmm I love alcohol (too much), and I know that a bottle of Absolut costs around $20, so I would have never taken two bottles. I took two bottles of “Woodpecker” from the fridge and left $2! Net: So let’s get this straight. You’re denying drinking vodka (nothin’ wrong with that) and admitting drinking some sissy cider? Back on the boat, junior. Let’s get something else straight: I drink a lot of alcohol, I love football, I have porn on my computer, I love to “flog the bishop,” I have an unhealthy obsession with lesbians and I hate Communists with a passion … I AM AN AMERICAN!! Net: We’d praise you, but the last thing we need is some computer geek crawlin’ around our computer looking for porn. Of which there might or might not be any. Andnowwegottago. If there is anything Indian about me, it’s that I have an extremely long penis!!! Net: Right. Oh, McShasty, have fun porking the sh!t out of Rollerdiva … peace!!!

PORCH KING

From Yngwie: Guess what, randoms? Net: It’s time to elect something called a porch king? It’s time to elect something called a porch king. Net: Maybe we should run for that. Porch king of the Daily … You, over there by the water fountain, fetch me a Banana Flip post-haste! For those of you who don’t know, Herr Porch King sits on the front stoops of houses. Net: Sounds like our dad, that crazy, homeless guy with the beard who hangs around Dinkytown. His job is to grab the asses of those people interning for old whores (sorority chicks to you ignorant folks out there). Net: OK, that doesn’t sound like our dad. This goosing teaches the interns to giggle to get bigger tips from their customers.
Porch kings tend to be elected from the ranks of the frats. Net: Life has death and taxes, Net has frats and Wisconsin. *Sigh* This usually makes sense, as frat boys already have the view of women as sex toys that is necessary for the job. However, let’s end this narrow-mindedness and elect a representative Net: MSA sucks. that has laboured long and hard for the job for many years. We need a Bjorum for porch king! Net: What is a Bjorum? Sounds like a Star Trek character. I feel sorry for those of you who are not already acquainted with a Bjorum. Net: *Sniff* A Bjorum has class written all over him from head to toe. A Bjorum is very quick with the snaps of a 32B bra. Net: But not 32Cs; too much coordination involved. A Bjorum makes love in the most delicate of ways. A Bjorum always calls the next day. Whenever you need help, a Bjorum will always come running immediately. Net: Sounds more like a well-trained dog than a porch king candidate. A Bjorum sends flowers when you are feeling down. Net: Wuss. And a Bjorum would never grab the ass of anybody in a rude and uncouth manner. Net: But rather in a fun-loving, baseball player way? When a Bjorum does it, it radiates a love that few people are able to deal with. Net: Yar. I can quite honestly say that I would not be where I am today if it weren’t for the help of a Bjorum. Net: You’re welcome. In fact, this University owes much more than it realizes to the presence of a Bjorum. Net: Yngwie is, of course, referring to the chief Bjorum, Clem Haskins. It’s high time we recognize this fact. Bjorum for porch king! Net: Clem for porch king! Clem for porch king! Free Puffy! Oh, and good luck figuring out who we are. We expect long diatribes and mathematical calculations. And, you realize, even if you are right, you will be wrong. Cheers.