Bookstores arm students with knowledge, guns

Chris Hamilton

Cindy, whose last name is withheld for anonymity, said she hates walking alone on campus at night. She doesn’t trust those “Boy Scout Nazis” from escort services and she “definitely” doesn’t like to walk past the drunken howls emanating from fraternity row, Cindy said.
So she bought a gun at the bookstore.
“I just feel so much safer knowing that at any time I can blow someone away,” Cindy said with a wry smile and self-confidence.
A new collaboration between the University and the former contractors for the U.S. Department of Defense made buying a gat, a book on Ghandi and a pack of gum a possibility last week.
Additionally, students can soon buy a new line of defense industry-approved personal security devices. Some of these products include napalm mace, Supercollider-strong stun guns and stealth noise makers, an item still in the developmental phase. The line called “College Bound” will be in all University bookstores this summer.
University researchers receiving DOD-grants originally participated in the construction of projectile zap guns. But they lost funding after some incidents.
“We didn’t have a scientist without frazzled nerves and hair that stood straight up,” said Linda Schipoopi, an electrical engineering professor whose own hair has split ends. “We were under pressure. We had some faculty dissension. So we zapped the shit out of each other.”
Smith and Wesson, Glock, Honeywell, General Electric, Remmington and Lockheed Martin took over. The peace dividend is responsible for the partnership.
“After the Cold War ended, we needed to find a demographic with similar erratic spending habits to the U.S. government,” said Joe Smit, president of McDonnell Douglas. “Our marketing people told us only college students spend their money as wisely as the Army.”
Smit added that the sequestered nature of a campus sealed the deal. Alcohol, drugs and sex-starved youth contribute to an environment conducive to the sale of personal defense devices.
“It’s like selling cattle prods to prison guards,” said Bill Mee, warden of Chico State Penitentiary in California whose staff are, coincidentally, testing the products. “Students are frightened, paranoid sheep. They’re all suckers. Hey, are you taping this? I thought this was off the record.”
Although the University is off the development side, administrators said they are still happy to be in on the deal. School officials said making a lot of money is the most important thing.
“Making a lot of money is the most important thing,” said Dave Domke, director of marketing in the Office of Selling to Students.
But for Cindy, it’s about more than money. She said she’s happy the University is selling peace of mind.
“We’ll see who’s boss now,” Cindy laughed and laughed and laughed.