New ‘Gopher Holes’ make students pay to pee

Chesty La Rue

French exchange student Veronique Marie Antoinette collapsed on Northrop Mall on Sunday after discovering a little maroon and gold stall that she thought she had left behind in Paris.

To deal with the unusually high costs of running bathrooms all over campus, University officials implemented a pay-toilet system. Pay toilets will be set up outside every University building with a four-minute time limit inside because officials said they didn’t want “students doing it in there. Gross!”

To tinkle, a student must deposit $1. For any other kind of use, it’s $2. Toilet paper is an additional $5, of course.

The decision comes in the aftermath of University President Mark Yudof’s indictment of attempted murder of Samuel K. Clark, chief executive officer of Kimberly Clark Corp. last summer. The University president went nuts after his pleas to the toilet paper king to lower prices of the product fell on deaf ears. (Note: the deaf reference actually was the writer’s sorry attempt at being literary. Clark is not deaf, but actually failed to listen to Yudof’s pleas. Sorry for the misunderstanding.)

“I am sick and tired of these student-people thinking they can get a free ride,” Yudof said at a press conference Friday. “What do they think – this is a public institution? We don’t give out free potties here no more. No sir. No way. Uh-uh.”

Immediately following Yudof’s comment, Tonya Moten Brown, University chief of staff, ran on stage and whispered a comment into the president’s ear.

“Ahh Ö well, you see Ö apparently we are a public institution, yeah, sorry ’bout that,” Yudof said before scurrying into his office.

Antoinette and many of her fellow European exchange student friends picketed the mall area with signs that stated “Ain’t no potty like a free potty,’ and ‘I may pay for kissin’, but I won’t fork over for pissin’.”

“I can’t believe how easternized the United States has become,” Antoinette said while dancing the ‘I have to go’ jig. “I came to this country because I thought it would be full of culture. I come here to find it’s just like Europe. God damn copycat sons of Ö what is the word?”

Not all students on campus were concerned with the new pay toilets, now dubbed “Gopher Holes.”

Robin Knutson-Schneider, a freshman fashion major, said she didn’t mind the costs of the Gopher Holes as much because of the allowance she gets from her parents each month, but she said the hologram of Yudof reminding her to wash her hands was a little unusual.

“I mean, I almost wet myself when he came onto the screen,” Knutson-Schneider said. “Thank goodness I was already in the bathroom.”

Her friend Allison J. Scott, a sophomore agricultural science major, agreed.

“Yeah, like, Yudof is super cute and all, but he kinda gave me performance anxiety when I was trying to go,” Scott said.

The new toilets will not be heated until more revenue comes in from the venture. However, the administration released a statement about this issue to appease the mobs:

“It’s not that cold here in Minnesota. If students are so wimpy they can’t even pee outside, they can hold it until they get back to the dorms.”

Yudof’s trial is set for August.

Chesty La Rue actually is quite flat but uses the name to make the University campus think she’s