Network: BlackAsp; HavingABreakthroughDay; Latka

>From BlackAsp

First off, Damn you Cleveland Indians, I hate you all you sent my precious Twins to play the Yanks in NY, but also Damn you Oakland A’s for not beating the Angels too. But still, this year the twins have faired well both home and away against the Yankees so this still could work. I vex you Yanksees and Yankee fans. Burn you rotten bastard Steinbrenner in hell, I hate you all for thinking money buys happiness. Go Twins, kick some ass make those high paid idiots realize that the heart of the game is the reason to win and play hard. Net: Bit of a baseball fanatic, aren’t you? Next on to the Gophers, they are now Ranked 13th in the Polls after this Saturday’s win. They are the second highest ranked Big 10 team in the nation, Purdue is 9th. Here we come Rose Bowl, keep it up mighty Gophers. Keep winning and that on Campus stadium will be yours, just wait till I graduate first so I don’t need to deal with the traffic jams. Net: We couldn’t have put it better ourselves. It’s the Republican way! So far the Marroon and Gold are tied for first place also with the Undefeated and hated Wisconsin Badgers. Hopefully the Badgers will lose just as bad as the Wisconsin’s favorite pro team the Pakers. Net: Pakers? What’s that supposed to mean? Are you trying to insult them? Again, MN is better then WI in sports with the Vikings, 2-1 record to the Packers dismal 1-3 record. Again Minnesota has trounced the state of Wisconsin in sports so far, hopefully the Mens and Womens programs here at the U of M will kick some WI ass in Hockey and Basketball, well I’m not holding my breathe for the Men’s basketball team, hell I’d rather contract that team and say good ridence to them, they suck these past three years, dumb jocks think they are a god-send and join the NBA draft after two years when they are told they need more time to develop and get drafted in the second or third round only to be cut then sent to some backwater whole in the world to play out their lives. Oh well, I’m done, later all. Net: Now no one can complain that we don’t cover enough sports.

From HavingABreakthroughDay

Shoowee howdy shucks, Network. Now, I know you don’t control the rest of this rag’s content, but what’s up with all the trashy stories this year? “If it bleeds, it leads” seems to be the new Minnesota daily motto. What happened to all the nice, informative stories like “Researchers find new treatment for athlete’s foot in giraffes” or “MSA wants budget meeting with Legislature?” I miss those stories. Net: We do too, man, we do too. We prefer our culture predigested. Just like our pork chops.

From Latka

Wow, it’s almost time for a Vice-Presidential debate! “I talk like Jack Kennedy – Jack Kennedy was my hero. And Vice-President Cheney, you are no Jack Kennedy!” Ha ha. Net: It’s not so much the JFK comparisons as the “evil-vampire-puppeteer-who-wants-to-take-over-the-world-and-make-us-all-into-serfs” comparison that has us worried. Anyhow, what’s going on with this weather. Those lazy, over-indulged Floridians are whining about a couple of hurricanes, but we have crazy weather every day. Cold, hot, wet, dry, windy, muggy – every day is just annoying. And why is the sun always so bright? This isn’t LA, we don’t get complimentary sunglasses in the maternity ward. Whatever. Pity the poor smokers come March 31. Net: Ah yes, the smokers. Can you imagine the sight on April Fools’ Day when Espresso 22 has to hang the dreaded “No Smoking” sign? People will be crying in their lattes and gnashing their teeth on their Hegel.