All right, children of the fifth grade. Today’s civics lesson, ripped straight from the Beltway headlines, is this:
If you’re gay and conservative, forget about running for office, unless you stop being either gay or conservative.
Part deux of this teaching moment is this little moral jewel:
If you are gay, conservative and have a penchant for page-boy poontang, then you probably shouldn’t hide behind Republican power brokers, who, even before they covered for you, were already thoroughly filthy bastards that will sell out your poor-ass AIM-and-alcohol-addled soul in a hot minute – depending on the next poll, of course.
Yes, Fox News – in its eternal quest toward all that is fair and balanced, or something like that – has already referred to former Rep. Mark Foley, R-Fla., as an “embarrassment” that is “guaranteed to anger parents.”
The question is: what exactly is so embarrassing to Republicans? That Foley exploited a 16-year-old Capitol volunteer online? Or that he’s – hushed whisper now – gay?!
The thing is, if Foley was just another snake in the grass bending over some girls gone wild across the Potomac in College Park, Md., we wouldn’t even be having this conversation.
Why does being gay make every indiscretion infinitely more nefarious?
When former Gov. James McGreevey, R-N.J., resigned from office two years ago, it was basically for being gay.
Sure, there were other lapses in moral judgment. He “discovered” his homosexuality with his handpicked Homeland Security adviser while his wife was giving birth to their first child.
But how many “straight” top-rank elected officials get forced out within days for an extramarital affair? Anyone? Bueller?
No, my friends, there is clearly a special stigma attached to being gay and lecherous in Washington, and, while I’m not defending such behavior, I know a double standard when I see one.
There are a thousand and one despicable things about what Foley did – soliciting a minor, abusing his power and position, and then trying to play the “victim” card via harrowing tales of molestation and addiction. But there’s one thing that isn’t wrong with him – that he happens to be sexually attracted to men.
And yet, I fear that’s the main reason Republicans wanted him immediately excised, like just another tumor from their already cancer-rotten carcass of a political party.
Conservatives have reached a pretty damn critical chapter in their saga, and this particular plot twist happens to have the hypocrites by the balls.
Does the GOP have room for hardworking, responsible gay congressional staffers who want the job security that skirt-chasers have enjoyed since 1776?
Or will the Pat Robertsons of the religious right continue to compile lists of homosexual Capitol employees and demand that they be fired, lest they change the direction of their vote and funnel o’ cash?
It’s an identity crisis that makes my dad’s recent purchase of a Miata seem like a trip down the local waterslide.
Whatever our esteemed Republican representatives decide to do, their utterly evil referendum on sexual orientation is more than just an up-or-down vote – pun intended.
The time to be naïve has long since been over. Gays are more than splashy pride parades; they are your governors and senators.
Get over it, or get out of the way.
Adri Mehra welcomes comments at