Slur your speech and launch a rocket

Yo. School is important …
I’m tryin’ to think what to say next.
OK. I know something about the underdog.
Oh yeah. Like, I know what it’s like to have people think you’re dumb, I mean, I’m dumb. I mean, just ’cause I make movies with no dialog doesn’t mean I can’t talk. And I know what it’s like to get chased out of town just because of the way I look. And I know what it’s like to hang from cliffs and get caught in tunnels with no daylight. Yeah, I know something about college.
You got a problem with a professor? Who drew first blood? Did he give you a C- when you deserved a B+? Torch ’em. Light the whole class on fire. Drive your truck right through the doors. That’s whad I’d do.
Switchin’ to semesters? I don’t like that. I didn’t do nuttin’ wrong to deserve this. I’m just a guy. But them administrators is pushin’ too hard. I suggest hidin’ out in the IT building. Around 2 a.m., hit the Super Computer first. Take out the mainline. You’ll have to take out a few IT professors, but they just get in the way.
From the roof, toss a line over to the Wilson roof, scale down the north side, grab the nearest bike from a rack, and ride over to Morrill Hall, Yudof’s place.
After you’ve blown threw the door with a rocket launcher you just happened to find along the way, find Yudof’s office. He’s the main man. Wait for him. Soon as he comes in, take him out. Then take out all the Regents. It’s you against them.
Yo. You can’t let nobody push you around. Payin’ fees for what? Writin’ papers on stuff you’ll never remember? All those loans to pay off? Sometimes they just push too far.
“If I can go that distance, as soon as that bell rings and I’m still standing, I’ll know for the first time in my life, you see, that I’m not just another bum from the neighborhood.” I said that in my first big movie. You’re not a bum either. Ya gotta show ’em what you’re made of.
Ya see, school is like a boxing ring. Ya gotta get in there with what ya got. I know what it’s like to have brain damage. Don’t let those books get to ya.
And then, school is like being up against a small town sherriff who doesn’t like the way you look. I think every student should carry a big hunting knife and be able to sow stitches in their arm. College is just a small town filled with crazies who think they’re right about everything, and the only thing they want is to get you outta there.
Or maybe school is like a cliffhanger. Hook after hook, crevace after cravace. One slip, and you could fall a long way. Ya see, sometimes ya think you’ll never make it. Class gets to ya. You’re friends get to ya. Everybody gets to ya. Too much pressure.
I know for me, all I ever wanted was a chance to fail, a chance to fail on my own terms.
So paint your face with black camoflage chalk. Tie a bandana ’round your forehead. Put your boxin’ gloves on. Strap a knife to your leg, and learn how to slur your speech.
Oh yeah, women too. Women gotta fight back too. I want to see women with ammo belts across their chests. I want to see ’em sweat and hang from precipices. I want to see women with camoflage fatigues and army boots, drivin’ SUVs and jeeps to school. Yo. Women need to learn to slur their speech too. It’s the only way you get respect. I know, I’ve made millions without anyone ever understanding what I was saying. I just blew things up. It works. Then you can start you’re own restaurant chain.
Sylvester Stallone is America’s leading hero, and is now a columnist for The Minnesota Daily. His column will appear whenever someone else draws first blood or puts him down for the way he talks.