NOMOREMR./MS. NICEP…

NOMOREMR./MS. NICEPEOPLE
Net: Here’s our choice among Minnesota Nice letters to print for today. We find it lucid, insightful, and even-handed. Enjoy.

From Lierbag: I must begin by praising your column. Great job blending that MST-2000 thing on print with a hint of Wilde wit and outright Gen-X-ian detachment. Net: Thank you for your lucid, insightful and even-handed comment. We’ve been working on the culture thing all summer, ya know.
Also, do you know that after three long years I have finally decided to write to you, oh Guardians of Wisdom. After reading the Aug. 3 Network, I just had to break my silence.
Scarlet Knight is not alone: I too think that Minnesotans are, to put it mildly, a pain in the ass. A riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a veggie burger; especially the females (I want to avoid the “womyn” controversy), who think that by the simple fact of asking them what time it is you’re hitting on them. Minnesota natives (as opposed to those who have been assimilated), after much observation, seem to inherently distrust those who are not like them. Net: In that sense, Minnesotans are much like Saddam Hussein, for example.
They will NOT look at you in the eye unless they’ve known you since high school or at least they know two other people who know you (so they can check references). If you’re a stranger and you approach them, they feel threatened or, at least, annoyed.
Which is why I thought it was just perfect that right after Scarlet Knight‘s letter you printed Mapgirl‘s … this girl is obviously a Minnesotan who simply cannot understand that people are just social. The mere fact that she’s been asked for directions doesn’t mean she’s the only one in this planet who’s been asked how to get from point A to point B. Her paranoia is evident (like any other normal Minnesotan’s) when she stated “Don’t get me wrong. I always give them directions with a smile,” (see Scarlet Knight, you’re not wrong … a passive smile with aggressive undertones) and goes on to say, “But I guess I’m just worried. Is it my karma? Will it ever cease?”
Mapgirl suffers from an affliction called “Paranoiae Minnesotae” (sounds like pig latin, don’t-ay?), which unfortunately is contagious and which afflicts foreigners (as in, the rest of this world that is outside Minnesota, please hold yer lawsuits) in a milder form that I call “Shockus Nordicus.” Well, I never took Latin, so I’m open for some “educated” suggestions.
Anyhoo … gotta go. I’d like to read Scarlet Knight‘s response. As a matter of fact, I’d like to read anybody who wants to find a cure to these afflictions that roam about this (wrongfully taken) land.
Net: Hmmm … reference to extermination of Indians. OK, we better vacate.
You first.
Perhaps somebody would like to team up with me and create a Web site where we can create a support group of sorts? Even a “let’s meet normal people in Minnesota” page (I bet Scarlet Knight‘s friend’s friend who had to resort to personal pages would like that).
Alrighty then, I’ll be reading ya later (told ya … contagious). Net: Like smallpox, baby, like smallpox. The other side (and more fun debates) on Friday.
P.S. It’s “soda.”

TICK-TOCK, THEMESSED-UP CLOCKS
From Timeout: Would someone please set the clocks straight in the new Carlson School building? Net: NO! When the Carlson clocks are set correctly, the Devil will appear on Northrop at noon, ready to claim the wicked. And if you’ve been at the U for awhile, you know EXACTLY what that will do for enrollment.
It seems as though there is an employee for every other half-ass responsibility in that facility — couldn’t they just hire someone to set the clocks? Net: Why not, Carlson student? We’re certain you’re used to servants.
I figured that Network may have the influence needed to get someone to update the clocks in our grand, futuristic, state-of-the-art facility. Net: You slay us with your flattery. We guess only time will tell if we succeed. Get it — time? HA!
Thank you.