U profs try selling themselves to earn an extra buck

Veronica Chase

Recent cuts in faculty paychecks Friday resulted in a huge financial burden, and some students on campus have witnessed the University members’ new tactic to generate money.

In order to continue their professorships and acquire a livelihood, faculty members are offering an escort service to those in need.

“It’s actually quite frightening,” said Wanda Prude, a sophomore in the College of Liberal Arts. “I was waiting for a bus and Dean Rosenstone asked me if I was looking for a date. How do you respond to that?”

Prude said he’s also been approached by a philosophy professor and his mathematics teaching assistant and says he’s not alone. He said fellow classmates have shared traumatizing stories with him.

“I can definitely see the benefits on the faculty’s behalf,” Prude said. “Not only are you making money, but you’re spending quality time with young, attractive intellectuals.”

The major flaw with the plan will be acquiring customers, Prude said. While some might be interested or even curious, Prude said, she’d be neither.

Dick Love, an associate psychology professor specializing in
interpersonal relations, said clinical research has proven that multiple intimate relationships can prolong life.

“There is also an advantage for the University here,” Love said. “By professors advancing to new levels with their students, they can live longer and therefore be employed longer. The benefits for this plan are endless.”

For the past ten years, Love has conducted his research at universities around the country and said he found the most beneficial relationships are those where age difference is a factor. All of his test subjects were faculty and students.

“Those are the people who often develop stimulating intellectual relationships,” Love said. “Once that base has been established, there are boundless possibilities to what else can form.”

Love said he has considered becoming a part of his study, but felt that may pose a conflict of interest.

University President Mark Yudof has reportedly commended the faculty’s creativity, but said this plan must have standards.

“The purpose of a university doesn’t stop at the academic level,” Yudof said. “Experience will be necessary to acquire the skills needed to prosper in the real world, and that’s what we do at the University – allow a myriad of opportunities for students to choose from.”

Yudof said the administrative office has chosen not to participate in this fundraiser but hopes this doesn’t interfere with the grading process.

“It does certainly give a new meaning to office hours,” Yudof said and chuckled.

Veronica Chase looks forward to office hours next fall.