Net: We never said the edumacation standards at this “University” were “high,” but come on, people. You could do better than this guy in our Web site contest. Keep ’em comin’. Contest is over today at 3 p.m. (CST), unless you have a very good reason and are willing to work for free, like us.
ATTENTIVE READER ALERT
From Poopy: best/worst site i’ve ever seen: http://www.mulletsgalore.com
This site is dedicated to the mullethead hairstyle. It outlines the history of the term “mullethead,” gives several examples and links, and helps one to understand the underground society that is the mulletheads. Net: This entry, clearly, is written by a jackass. Or, to avoid pissin’ off animal lovers, he’s a someone-who-doesn’t-read-Network-very-often-or-thinks-we-haven’t-found-this-site-already type. Whatever. The rest of you: Good work. Poopy: That was some cr@ppy work.

WEIGHT A MINUTE
From ScRuFfy_JLB: Listen. Net: Yar? You need to calm down. Everyone gets made fun of in Network. Net: Yeah, and to prove it, uh, you’re stupid! Ha, ha … oh, to hell with it. Why should the fatties get treated any differently? I personally have nothing against overweight people, but if someone wants to get on here and complain about the fatass who took 30 minutes at the Universtiy Dining Service line because they wanted extra lard on top of their three cheddarwursts on butterbuns, then let them. Net: *Sigh* Why not? It’s as riveting as any of our other entries have been. I am sure that everyone is a wonderful person inside, but, Jesus Christ, Net: Yeah, he’s a pretty wonderful “person.” how can anyone eat so much in one sitting? It is sad that you biggun’s have to get made fun of in here, but it is everyone’s right to make fun of others, and you should just deal with it. Net: Yuh hear the one about Scruffy’s mom? She’s so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. BWAH HAH HAH. The farm frat has been getting sh!t for two weeks, and you don’t see them writing any sobby b!tch letters trying to get equality. Net: Or the one about Scruffy’s dad? He’s so fat, it takes him two trips to haul ass. BWAH HAH HAH. So, in conclusion, you and the rest of the fatties should just sit back, eat a couple of cheesecakes and stop your bitchin’. And Net, you don’t want to sound like Dr. Date. Net: Come to our mixer on Friday! Dr. Date is just a place for 22-year-old virgins to complain about how they can’t get laid. You are better than that. Net: Just by a hair. Moving on …

THE NATURE OF NET
From Kung Fu Joe: Jesus H. Christ, Net: Yes? lately you have really been acting strange, Net. Net: Why do you say that, my son? You backed off on Farmhouse and fat folks. What’s going on? Did you catch gay or something? Net:We’ll ignore your unabashedly un-p.c. statement and respond with only this. The goodly Daily “Staff Vixen” has been known to pique our attention, if yaknowhatwe’resayin’. You had better be careful, or you might seem like the rest of the Daily. Net: EGADS! That actually is a threat. Mark our words: We will never write a story about a speaker speaking, a professor dying or online notetaking. Oh, and all you fat chicks who want people to respect you, get your tubby asses on the StairMaster and lose some weight. Hurry for skinny chicks! Net: Right, “Hurry” for skinny chicks. Hmmm … why did we go easy on “fat chicks”? There must be a logical explanation. Perhaps somebody out there can figure out what the deal is with Net.

A TRUE POLITICIAN
From Pen Celine: Dear Network, it is on the behalf of people like your readers that I and my friend Jack Bakunin have decided to step into the race for student body president and vice president next year. Net: And you announce it in Net? Classy. Every year we have over politically active candidates that spew out the same rag. Net: Is that some kind of veiled shot at women? We’re not likin’ that too much. We have decided that the truth of these people representing us is like having the cheese represent cows. These political science majors and business majors are not the ones who should be the face of students at this University. Net: We’re getting short on space and our delete button works. Get to the funny part. I write to you because I have followed the free speech here for long enough to know that I will not be silenced. Net: Huh? Zuh? We don’t follow. Let the people speak to me. Think this is just another campaign? Hell no! I lost a bet. I am in this, or I loose my car. This means something to me, and it is not about the prestige. I have to run for real. I have to win. I have to serve or I loose my car! Net:Beats the hell out of why anyone else’s reasons for running. Fiscal responsibility sucks.
Sorry, Pen, we had to hack your letter a little. We don’t support campaign schmoozin’ except our own. Could there be a Net win in ’00? More to come. Maybe. We think. Wegottago. Giddyup.

DOWN WITH HOMEWORK
From Puckity puck: What the hell??? Net: DERP!!?!?!?!?… I can’t believe that students could be forced to pay more in tuition for crappy professors who can’t teach and half the time don’t even speak English. Net: No different than our preschool days. I already have to work two jobs to pay for tuition, and I do not like the idea of having to get a third to pay for the 8 percent increase. Net: Whereas the rest of us are freakin’ wild about it. I think it sucks big time. Net: Eloquent, yet of the people. Very nicely done. I was already sick of this institution that doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the students. Net: That’s not true. One of our editors actually received a dead rat’s ass. Now they are just pissin’ me off more. Stupid high-muckymuck bastards.