Net: As the sun slowly melts our brains away, we at Network wish to participate in a great American summer entertainment ritual: reruns. After all, the television networks do them, why can’t we? In the spirit of this tradition, we offer you today an encore episode of Network, one that originally appeared on July 12, 1952. Let’s relive those golden years — and have a great day.
HAPPYDAYS
From Nadacommie: I can’t believe the Democrats are seriously considering Adlai Stevenson for president. It’s blatantly obvious that a communist plot is at work here. Net: No doubt, daddy-o! We’ve got at least 205 of them in the State Department alone, according to our Wisconsin friend Sen. McCarthy. Go, Joe!
I mean, Ike has already said he’d go to Korea — can’t the Democrats find anyone better than Mr. Egghead himself? Even Truman would be better than this guy! Net: And he makes a better show, too. Give em hell, Harry!
If the Democrats go through with Stevenson, you can bet that not only will Korea go red, we’ll probably recognize red China too, and abandon the gallant troops of Chiang Kai-Shek in Formosa. Heck, I bet Stevenson would even go to China to meet with the godless hordes!
Net: An American president in red China — we think you’re a bit far-fetched, Nadacommie.
The Democrats should just join the Republicans and nominate Ike. I like Ike, and a one-party system will keep America strong. And that man Ike wants to run with him — Nixon — what an intriguing figure. You can bet that someday he’ll be a great leader. And he’d never go to China!
From The Squirrel Fighter: As you all know, the attack of the squirrels is imminent. They could descend upon us at any moment, taking our co-eds from us and forcing us to read decadent books like “The Catcher in the Rye.” We have privileged information that red China’s commies are training special squirrel commandos to descend from Memorial Stadium and take our beloved U out from under us!
However, if we follow a few simple rules, we can stop the Bolshevik hordes before they try to envelop us in their godless ways. …
(Net: Note: This letter was cut short in the interests of avoiding redundancy with any information that has already been offered in Network nearly every day from 1993-1997. You’re welcome.)
From I Want to Be Edward Teller: Now that the United States is perfecting the hydrogen bomb to protect us from the godless red commie hordes, I’d like to comment on our beloved U institution: Network. While I greatly enjoy Network, with its fresh and invigorating discussions of squirrels, campus food and freshmen, I feel that the current system of anonymous letter boxes to deliver mail is inefficient. I suggest that University researchers look to recent innovations in the new field of “computers,” especially the new UNIVAC machine, to create a new method of mail delivery.
With UNIVAC’s ability to perform thousands of math calculations in one minute, I feel that eventually messages will be able to be sent electronically between computers. University students could then communicate with one another, and to Network, via electronic mail. This innovation would not only help Network in its quest to provide timely information about squirrels and the like, it would also help keep America free! Net: Great idea, hepcat. We think you’re ticklin’ our ivory with your long-haired ideas.
Thank you, Network, for your time. I am graduating soon, and hope to soon move into a housing development in St. Louis Park, if I get my job with Twin Cities Federal. My wife is already planning what she’ll prepare for dinner parties with the neighbors — after all, the houses are all the same, so we already know where she’ll cook! But I will be certain to follow your ever-enlightening discussions, and I wish you the best.
Net: And thank YOU, Edward, for the fine words. Stay cool, everyone.
(Thus ends our encore presentation.)
