Net: Well, we see by our mail basket that no one took us up on our “best rack” topic. That’s probably for the best. But if the old topics continue, we will personally invite ya’ll into the Daily for an ol’ fashioned ass-whoopin’!

PRUDES
From Nasty McShasty: Man, I gotta tell you that the current debate about Iowa, Wisconsin and the Motherland (Minnesota), and which state is the best is getting to be about as old as my rickety old great-grandpa. Net: How old was he? That’s f@ckin’ old. Net: Heh, good one, Nasty So to the lame asses who are using this period of dullness in the Net to get their shitty entries printed — we don’t care. Plus, you’re bringing down the ratings even further. Net: We’re still beatin’ out “Saved by the Bell” reruns. Anyway, after about a year of grueling investigation, I am hot on the trail of meeting the infamous Rollerdiva. Net: Rumor has it, Rolla once applied to work at the Daily … as “Sasstress Supreme.” The other night I was kickin’ it at the same place she was, but I never got introduced to her, cuz she was playing “sink the battleship” in the bathtub with someone/something. Net: That’s our girl! But now I know this guy who goes by the code name Dr. Drew, and he is gonna hook me up, ifyaknowwhatImean. Net: We assure you, we don’t care. Chicka-bow-bow. So more to cum … Net: That was probably a reference to something, but we could care less at this point. Bring on intercession! This whole semester thing is still new to us … What is up with that bastard who said all women suck?? Dude, all women don’t suck. That would be incorrect, because some swallow, too. Net: Good ol’ mom. However, that was not funny, and I am not sure I am mature enough to understand or appreciate what that means. Hey. Net: A little late for intros. “Hay.” One last thing before I go. My friend TJ, the India-born Indian, wanted to apologize to the people whose house he was at on Friday when he took two bottles of Absolut and only left two dollars. Net: We were meaning to talk to you about that. He thought you were selling them. Net: We weren’t. He is sorry. Net: Well, all right then. Tell him to get us some cash. Peace in the Mideast. Net: Yar.
INSERT TOPICS HERE
From SUPERTRON to Scared: Let me say, if Scared is female, I am in love. Net: And if Gore has a pulse, we’re surprised. Oh, come on. What I wouldn’t give to be able to talk about such issues as the Smurfs with a lady. Net: What is it with this page and the Smurfs? Wow, we are getting as bad as anything in the first half of the Daily. Nah, we wouldn’t go that far. I am sick of all these lame conversations about such “important” topics like sending some kid back to Cuba. Net: Or stupid stuff like the “presidency” and “Social Security.” When is Net going to get some action? I can only be fake for so long, and then the big guns have to come out. I wanna talk about HR Puff N Stuff and how disturbingly great it is. Net: And we want to not let you. FAST FORWARD LETTER. I want to talk about “Saved By the Bell,” Net: Mr. Belding? and how it can go from Screech giving us so many laughs by stealing a recipe for spaghetti sauce, to making us see the seriousness in smoking pot with superstar actors like Johnny Dakota. Net: His career has skyrocketed since “Young Guns.” OK, that was probably a different actor, but, uh, oh, to hell with it. I want to talk about what this world would be like if I could genetically combine three of the greatest comedic minds ever: Carrot Top, Gallagher and Pauly Shore. Net: We are more than a little perturbed our name was left off that list. We’re not talking to you anymore. Or how great this country would be if Ron Popeil ran it. Net: *humming to ourselves* So Scared, if you are a female, I will be looking around every corner. If you’re a guy, though, you still rule — just in a different kind of way. Net: “Different” like the kids who used to get 15 hours to take the ACT?
NAFTA RULES
From The Prolific Procrastinator: Well, spring is here Net: The hell you say! (sort of), and summer usually comes next. Net: Sir, you are a contender for our “Bronze Ass” award, given to the Nethead who produces the dumbest sentence of the week in Network. Many of you will probably be traveling, and I think Network should open a dialogue, thereby breaking the silence about traveling tips. Net: Network tip No. 3: If you’re naked, wandering around a rest stop, put on some sandals before going in the rest room. My brothers and I go to Winnipeg every summer for the Folk Fest, and we’ve learned some things not to say to the customs officials: Net: Most of this stuff speaks for itself, so we’ll step out of the way.
Customs Officer: Do you have any drugs or weapons in the car?
Me: Right! Like I’d tell you.
CO: Get out of the car, please.
CO: What is your reason for coming to Canada?
Me: I can’t sell this ditch weed back in the States, but you hosers will smoke anything.
CO: Get out of the car, please.
CO: Any drugs in the car?
Me: Well, DUH?! We’re going to a folk festival, moron.
CO: Get out of the car, please. Net: We get strip-searched every time we enter the Daily, but that’s another story. The office coordinators here have friendly hands.
CO: How long will you be in Canada?
Me: I’m not sure. What’s the statute of limitations for arson?
CO: Get out of the car, please.
CO: Pull up to the first window, please.
Me: No marijuana here, officer.
CO: Get out of the car, please.
CO: Reason for coming to Canada?
Me: I’m from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and we’re setting up our new Zion in Saskatchewan.
CO: Stay in the car, please.
CO: Any drugs or weapons?
Passenger: PUNCH IT!!!
CO: Any drugs in the car?
Me: Look, you Canadians are, like, so much cooler about that than in our stupid country.
Passenger: Dude, you’re thinking of Amsterdam.
Me: Shit!
CO: Get out of the car, please.
Any one of these will work splendidly to get your car searched. So have fun this summer, and when you think of cannabis-fueled mayhem, think of Canada, America’s tree house. Net: And vote Net for MSA, 2001! Because you NEED a fat chick in office.