Media’s favorite scandal factory closes forever

University officials blame the calendar. Brother Jed blames the evil, fornicating student body. Clem Haskins blames the media.
They’re all wrong.
Well, Clem almost had it.
The true reason for the University’s final downfall is the pending publication of the University’s deepest, darkest secrets.
Each Twin Cities media outlet has spent the last nine months trying to find University secrets to compete with the Pioneer Press’ academic-fraud coverage.
When The Minnesota Daily learned that these stories were going to be killed because University President Mark Yudof will no longer be around to handle them all (see related story, page 2), the Daily decided to publish excerpts so these frightening truths would not be buried forever.
Associated Press
U of M J-school disappears
Minneapolis (AP) — The University of Minnesota’s journalism school disappeared sometime between 1980 and 1987, University officials discovered today.
About 250 students graduate from the program each year, but take no actual classes.
“Instructors just kept disappearing over the years, and no one noticed,” said one remaining staff member. “Students kept filling out evaluations, and they were as negative as always, so we didn’t know anything was wrong.”
The college’s undergraduate office is all that remains. Advisers keep sending students to class and continue to insist students follow program-completion plans.
“As long as I fill out a plan, they don’t care if I take a class or not. I started going to class my freshman year and found out no one else did,” one student said. “So why should I?”
Officials discovered the oversight when attempting to move the department back into the recently renovated Murphy Hall.
“We sent five trucks over to pick things up,” said Buck Samuelson, a freshman and Facilities Management truck driver. “All they had were two little boxes. I went in to see what happened, and there was nothing there. Not even beer.”
Star Tribune
U pays off sports columnist
Chris Ison and Paul McEnroe

The University of Minnesota has employed Sid Hartman, self-proclaimed journalist and commentator, as a men’s athletics spinmaster since 1912.
After a seven-month investigation, the Star Tribune has learned that Hartman has been paid an average salary of $78,000 annually, adjusted for inflation.
“This is an outrage and the worst thing a journalist could possibly do,” said Kay Harper, a nationally renowned expert on media law and ethics.
Star Tribune editors said they would consider buying Hartman’s contract out for $1.5 million.
Pat Miles:
And next up, a KARE-11 Extra. A 14-month investigation has found that underage students frequent campus bars and drink alcohol. This startling discovery, after this message.
Don Shelby:
And now, to Trish Van Pilsum for our latest I-Team report.
Trish Van Pilsum:
Thanks, Don. Today, we will explore men’s hairstyles at the University. Does University President Mark Yudof need a toupÇe? When did McKinley Boston, the administrator formerly known as vice president of student development and athletics, actually have an afro?
After this short break, all of your questions will be answered. Now, back to you, Don.
And more?
But while these accounts are shocking, the Daily could not obtain permission to reprint the worst scandals. While most held no hope that any students, staff or faculty members would remain at the University, others hoped enough would survive for the scandal goldmine to continue unabated.

Ungrateful Ninja covers scandal whenever she’s not kicking some butt. And sometimes she does both at once. But she does not welcome comments and cannot be reached. If she wishes, she will contact you.