Net: We have to adm…

Net: We have to admit, we’re a bit jealous. Ever since we started sharing this page with the good doctor, Dr. Date himself, it seems that we’ve had to split the attention of the campus. Luckily, Dr. Date is just swell, and a heckuva controversial good time. But when our letters start to be about Dr. Date, you know we’re gonna have to start trying harder. And we were just about to make the down payment for that condo in Florida …

GIRL POWER!
From Firedevil: I’ve never written to Network before but since I have some free time I’ll write before I head home. Net: It’s Thursday. The week wasn’t that bad, was it? I have a question of utmost importance to the University population. Net: Yes, we are all single. It’s about something that I read in Dr. Date yesterday. How come people get so upset when guys call college girls “girls?” Net: It might have something to do with responsibility, puberty, etc. … I think “girl” is a better term than “woman.” Net: We think you really enjoyed “Spice World.” It’s a compliment rather than an insult. Give me a girl over a woman ANY day. Net: That could land you in jail, Firedevil.
They are more fun to be with. I always refer to my friends and acquaintances as this girl or that girl, and once in awhile I’d hear sneers of, “I’m a WOMAN, thank you very much,” from girls who wanna sound older and more mature, or, “Dude, be more respectful to women,” from guys who wanna sound respectable. Net: They should start by not referring to people as “dude.” Maturity sucks. Net: And reality bites. But neither can be avoided. Too much maturity drains girls of their carefree, lively innocence Net: So does a relationship with an athlete and youth, which makes them so adorable and fun to be with in the first place! Net: We’ve got some Web sites to satisfy your needs … I’ve even witnessed some of my own friends become too “mature” for their own good.
Now I’m not saying that I just go after party girls Net: OK, we will instead, or that women aren’t fun and adorable, but rather, there is nothing wrong with calling college females GIRLS. I think it’s a cute, affectionate, sweet way of addressing God’s greatest creation. Net: Does your invocation of the Adam and Eve story mean we’ll have to stop ribbing you? Eventually I’ll have to change my mind as they get older (like, 40) but for now, COLLEGE GIRLS ROCK!!! Net: Wow. Do you really think it takes that long for a woman to finish school? Watch with the diminutives, Firedevil. Ye shall reap what ye sow.

BEWARE THE BIBLIOPHOBIA
From They Call Me Kama-Sutra: My objective in telling the following story is to prevent this scandal from happening to other honest and punctual students. Net: You are reaching a small portion of our readership, but we’ll bite.
Back in November, my roommate and I checked out books from Wilson Library. On realizing that my two books were very boring, I returned them well before the due date to the deposit drop at Wilson. About a month after my roommate’s due date for her books, she received a notice that demanded she pay for her three overdue books, which she had already returned. A couple weeks later, notices from Wilson began coming to me concerning the two books I had returned.
Months passed, and the notices continued to come, so I went to Wilson and was informed that a “search” would be done to try to locate the returned books. Some “search,” because the staff still couldn’t find the books and I was left with the ridiculous bill.
Unfortunately, the time came when I was forced to pay the fines, because I had to drop a class and get rid of the hold on my record. Let me rephrase that — I had to pay for two worthless books that I returned on time. Lucky for my roommate, her books were discovered and the fines were terminated. I, on the other hand, have not been that lucky, not YET.
The mystery of my missing books has a few interesting clues, fueling my anger even more: 1) My roommate and I checked out our “missing” books on the same day. 2) The call numbers do not correspond with where I actually found them (which may not mean anything, I admit). 3) One of the books has a call number in an area that is under construction.
So what can I do? Simply insisting that I DID return the books does no good. I wouldn’t put it past this corrupt and ruthless University to swindle money any way it can. Clue No. 4, the University is losing money left and right and is presently more than $6 million in debt. Net: Pocket change.
Students, I advise you to return your books at the checkout desks and get a receipt. You never know when the U’s authoritative, wicked hand will coil its deceitful claws around YOUR neck. Finally, to Wilson Library: I will run my own searches and I WILL find my books. And when I do, I want my money back in $1 bills, and after having each bill counted out to me, I will gladly bend over so you can kiss my $$$. Net: Note — the $$$ was the writer’s censorship, not ours. But we appreciate the poetic imagery. Wilson — any response?

OFF THE ARA-MARK
From Bagel Boy: Why is it that eating a meal in Comstock Hall is twice as bad as what it should be? First, even with the new food vendors, the food isn’t all that great. Second, there is this couple that has to grope each other, and play tonsil hockey every once in a while. One day last quarter, I saw him rub her chest for a good amount of time. I am grossed out enough by the food, add on top of that the over-the-top PDAs. I have even heard rumors that they are taking some classes together, and can’t keep their hands of each other in there either!
Get a life, people, and most importantly, get a room! No one that eats in this dining hall needs to see that anymore. Net: While we empathize with your pain, we feel you may have some issues to resolve. Perhaps you should write Dr. Date about your frustrations — d’oh! He’s back again.
Keep going on down the page. See the wisdom. And keep writing.