The recent outbreak of rash student attacks comes as no surprise to anyone who has been around the University for more than a short while. With so many atrocities committed against students on a daily basis, it was only a matter of time before the swelling undercurrent of resentment burst upon the shores of the land of 10,000 lakes. Yet recent attacks appear arbitrary — students lashing out at the nearest target, paying scant attention to the identity of the victim. These aggressive impulses should be directed by student leaders. Organized student violence will quickly lead to a new golden age of student rule at the University. Pacifism died in the 60s. Revolution calls to students in the 90s.
Student voices have long sought a sympathetic ear at the University. Until now, however, only the powerless institutions, the Minnesota Student Association and Graduate and Professional Student Assembly, even had a chance of getting a message through to the administration. The current environment of student hostility on campus provides MSA and GAPSA with the perfect vehicle to force the University to listen and to institute changes on behalf of a beleaguered student body. They need only step forward and seize the opportunity.
Imagine a student army marching on Northrop Mall, MSA commanding legions of undergraduates ready to maim and kill. The more physically oriented departments, such as kinesiology and sport studies, might contribute to special forces units. The more academically oriented ones, like physics and chemistry, could develop specialized weapons to be tactically deployed in the heat of battle. Meanwhile, GAPSA can prepare graduate students to be cannon-fodder, most being weak and withered after years devoted solely to developing their minds. Regiments of carefully directed belligerent students would be unstoppable.
Once students organize their forces, random attacks will stop and students can focus their attention on the real enemies. The recent assault on University President Mark Yudof’s office was a step in the right direction, but it was only a step. The war is just beginning. Student forces must strike against all parts of the University’s totalitarian hierarchy. Faculty members must be reigned in. Aramark must be forced to provide better food. The Coke monopoly must be broken with Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew filling campus vending machines. Finally students will lay siege to the Board of Regents’ offices, firmly taking control of the University for all time.
Having thrown off the yoke of oppression, students will find the University a much more congenial place. Tuition increases will become tuition decreases. Eight o’clock classes will become a thing of the past. Homework loads will be reduced. Next year, students will not be asked to stick around for a final two days before Christmas. There is no end to the good that will come from coordinated violence. With the state Capitol just a few miles down the road, student forces could easily convince the Legislature to make a few changes. Goodbye minimum age for consuming alcohol. A beer or nine on Friday night is an inalienable right all students should enjoy.
Stop your senseless attacks. Channel that anger and aggression where it belongs. Let us have a university for the students and by the students for all time.