Football fans need to calm down; a long season is ahead

Sometimes I feel like that bald-headed woman that used to do TV commercials.
“Stop the insanity!”
Out in Wisconsin, and even the little section near the dorms known as “Little Wisconsin”, it’s all Packers, all the time. Flags are flying out of car windows, barns are painted Packer colors (more true in Wisconsin than on campus) and the Packer “G” is even showing up on vans.
The Packer fan’s less die-hard bastard son comes wearing purple. That doesn’t mean they’re not trying to catch up. Vikings fans are buying Vikings snowblowers, Vikings bathroom towels and telephones shaped like a Vikings helmet.
The Packers fans are arguing that Brett Favre is the greatest quarterback ever — both asinine and unprovable. Vikings fans are convinced Randy Moss will surpass Jerry Rice in career touchdowns — this year.
No, no, no.
Both fans are in serious need of, as Barry Switzer would say, “A good ass whuppin’.”
Packer fans: Brett Favre is a helluva quarterback. We know this. Please do not get into heated arguments over whether or not he’s the best ever. It’s not provable.
Vikings fans: Wake up and smell the Ray Sherman. Okay, maybe it’s a little unfair to blame Sherman for a poor offensive line. Tough. I blame Sherman. With Cunningham’s aging spine spending more time on the Metrodome turf than standing upright, the Vikings offense is clearly in trouble.
Maybe you aren’t up-to-date on the NFC Central standings, but the Vikings and Packers aren’t on top. Something called the Detroit Lions is 2-0 and in first place.
Yeah, it’s only two weeks into the season and it doesn’t mean anything. But all of these lunatic fans need to just calm down a notch.
Do you need to buy a flag and stick it out your window to prove you like a team? Does buying two flags make you some kind of “Super fan,” capable of spending money at the speed of sound?
I admit, I’m not a big fan of either team. My family is from Florida, but I was fortunate (or unfortunate weather-wise) enough to be born in Minnesota. I was a Vikings fan, until they lost to the Dallas Cowboys on a Sunday night in 1995. It was the final straw. My heart has been broken too many times by the Vikes to cheer for them wholeheartedly. I have a new team now, though I still like to watch the Vikes play.
Some Packer fan is probably reading this right now and saying, “Typical. A heartless Vikings fan.” Before that fan dies from congestive heart failure, maybe he or she should continue reading.
I’ve always had a small problem with the numerous students here that are still die-hard Badger fans. Look, we’re happy you could get reciprocity and pay less for the same education. Fabulous.
But you won’t be seeing any Ron Dayne “countdown to the record” boxes in this sports section. Don’t expect a high-five from anybody after Dayne gains 200 yards. Wrong state, wrong team.
That doesn’t make the freshmen who paint their bodies in maroon and gold any better than the ‘Sconnie fans. The only people who should paint their body to go to the Dome are the good people from the WWF or WCW, should they decide to hold an event there.
In the meantime, maybe all these football fans should tone it down a notch — at the rate we’re going, neither will have anything to cheer for in January.

Jim Schortemeyer is the sports editor and welcomes comments at [email protected]