YOU’LL NEVER WALK ALONE
From Chris to The McNasty Who Sat at my Table: What would be the psychological reason why a total stranger would sit at a table (say, at the Two-Way Cafe in Coffman) with someone else’s bag and jacket there? Net: Perhaps they’re being an unwanted protector. Well, this happened to me the other day. I’m sure this has happened to not only me. I’m sure there are others who have left their bag on a table to go get food or something, only to return and find an uninvited stranger sitting at the table where their stuff is.
Well, I have a message for those people: You’re crazy. Show some respect. I can see if there were nowhere else to sit and you ASK to sit down with a stranger, but it is extremely inconsiderate to just sit down whenever and wherever you want. It’s not like there isn’t anywhere else to sit in Coffman, anyway. When I approached the stranger to pick up my stuff I got from this guy, “I was just hoping that someone would come by and pick up their stuff.” What!?! Net: Exactly. We can’t believe they used “their” to describe a singular individual. Like I mentioned before, whoever you people are, you’re inconsiderate “MoFos” and we don’t appreciate it. Net: Or maybe they’re lonely — did you ever think about that? Did you ever think that they sit by bags so that they may have simple human interaction? THESE ARE EMOTIONALLY NEEDY PEOPLE. They will take any sort of rudeness — anything, just to hear another voice. They sit alone, writing poems Emily Dickinson would be proud of. And you crush their souls.
We hope you’re happy with yourself, Chris. May you never have to be alone and feel the pain these people feel. But if you do, it is simply the hand of a just God, wending its way to a balanced humanity. Have a nice day.
WE’LL BE WATCHING YOU

From Not Your Average Buckle Bunny: Hello Gods and Goddesses of Network. Net: Hi.
I’m a senior here at this fine institution, and I know that only you can help me fulfill my wildest of fantasies before I graduate from here next fall. Net: We’re honored. But NITWIT’s in a committed relationship, you see, and …
Here’s the scoop: I’ve got a thing for guys in boots, jeans, and cowboy hats. Now, you can guess I’ve hit a pretty dry spell in the lust department here at the Minneapolis campus the last four years. Net: Where have you gone, Joe Buck? However, that’s all changed. This year I’ve spotted a guy who has my interest. He’s tall, wears his hat, boots and belt buckle and he seems like we might hit it off together. (I’m probably the only girl on campus that has a silver buckle as big as his, though I save mine for horse shows. Net: And, if you’re lucky, he saves his for horse shows, too) Lest you think I’m afraid to approach him, I’ve tried three times to catch him and ask him out Net: Wild, wild horses … couldn’t drag me away. Wild, wild horses, we’ll ride them someday, but I never seem to be able to chase him down. Net: Maybe he’s not into lassos on the first date, tenderfoot. So… I was wondering if you could print this on the off-chance that someone will recognize him (or he’ll recognize himself) and we could get together. Summer’s here! Thank you Network, you’re the best!!
If he does e-mail, you can give him my number. Actually, I think he’s a football player, and I know he drives a red Firebird from Ohio. Net: Every breath you take, every move you make …