>Hello Network, how are you on this lovely autumn day that happens to commemorate my birth? Net: Too busy to print this e-mail. I would like to take a moment to talk with you about a topic that has been troubling me, circumcision. I find myself to be thouroughly obsessed with circumcision. It has gotten to the point that I ask all of the men in my life if they are circumsized on the off chance that I may ever be in the position that I might see their penises, or would it be pe-nie? Net: Well, there was a moderately famous punk band called Rudimentary Peni, so what do you think? Anyhow, is there any way that we could have a circumcision awareness day where we circumsize all the groudy guys who have been tragically left uncut? I think this would be a great way to insure that all guys leave behind the turtleneck and go for the crew-cut, seriously… who needs that extra flap? All it does is get all smegma’d and gross. In fact, the foreskin may even pose as a choking hazzard while performing certain acts. Anyhow, I have said my piece, now get your pieces cut. Net: Network wants to make it absolutely clear that, while we have no genitals ourselves, we are utterly opposed to either male or female genital cutting (unless you’re a fetishist, and even then Ö ).
Hey stick with your flutes: After reading your ill-conceived, grammatically offensive anti-band geek tirade, I thought I’d break it down for you. You’re a syphilitic, drooling, troglodytic, knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, hockey-hating, Bucky Badger-fellating, dirt-eating, Springer-watching, inbred, smack-addled, retarded, go-tarded, Schlitz-swilling, creme donut-refilling, douche-bag-a-riffic, brainless, heartless, hopeless, dickless, terrorist-hugging, puppy-kicking sack of squirrel crap. I hope that when you were vomiting at the thought of our potential offspring, you discolored the carpet in your mother’s basement so badly that you lose your $2 damage deposit. Say what you will about band geeks, but I guarantee you we have more fun that you on Saturday nights, what with your Japanese animated porno, Mountain Dew, and Dungeons & Dragons parties. Besides, the band has more than its share of hotties. Even if a few of them ARE less than “tens,” you’d be lucky to get the time of day from them, you illiterate chucklehead. Also, consider that if it weren’t for the band, the crowd at the Dome would sound like a bunch of octagenarian spectators at the Masters’. Furthermore, we lead the student section at hockey games in such classics as the “Great Big Sieve” song and the “You buddy, you’re outta here, ya hack” cheer. With that in mind, remember – you either love the Minnesota Marching Band, or you’re with the terrorists. Net: (out-like deleted) Well, Networkia, who is more geeky: marching banders or the people who hate them?
Net, you’re almost as good of a procrastination technique as masturbation. Net: Are you sure? Maybe your technique needs work. But seriously, senior-itis is about to give me carpal tunnel. Net: If you liked school, you’ll love work. You know what else is going to give me carpal tunnel? Addictinggames.com Two wordsÖ”seriously.” Have you ever noticed how much everyone on campus sucks except for me? I have. Net: We’ve heard that a lot of people feel that way. I can’t even stand to go to class anymore because of those NUTTholes. Three words, “Learn-how-to-dress,”
“quite-looking/talking-at-me,” and “if-you-ask-the-professor-one-more-question-I-swear-I’m-gunna-Ö.” In closing the time honored ancient tradition of the sacred network haiku:
Blood worm fills with fire
Keeps me from making progress
Due dates approach fast
Net: Soon, we’ll all be food for worms.