Net: When you’re down and troubled, and you need helping hand, just write us! We love to work for the public service, and today we do so with a record number of PSAs! Thanks for thinkin’ of us, folks — we’re thinkin’ of U.

From Missing at Como: I was hoping that this would be published to aid me in my never-ending search for my little pup. Net: Anyone who you call “my little pup” probably doesn’t want you to know where he or she is. On Sunday, my dog was apparently taken from my backyard at around noon. I live over in the Como neighborhood near 15th. Net: Over by Idlewilde! Great mocha. Be sure to go there and order their Brazilian death monkey.
I put him outside in the morning on one of those 20-foot outdoor leashes that get attached to a pole. I took a little nap and woke up to find that my dog was no longer on the leash. Net: Your dog obviously was possessed by the spirit of Che Guevara. My dog is a small Lhaso Apso with shaggy brown hair. His name is Mac Net: When the clock strikes …, but he may not answer to that since he is about 12 years old and is losing his hearing. Often he will answer to a clap or a snap, but most dogs probably do. Net: Ours is very responsive to electric shock. He has been my dog since I was in 5th grade, and he is my only companion from home.
I miss him very much 🙁 If you have seen a small dog that fits this description please contact Network so I can find him soon. Net: Have a heart, folks! Thank you very much, I appreciate the service which you provide.
PS: My friend wanted me to put in a little something about “The Worst Witch,” the movie with Tim Curry singing a little song about Halloween. One verse is, “Anything can happen on Halloween, your dog can turn into a cat.” It’s an amusing film. I enjoyed it. I figure you won’t print this part, but hey — I told her that I would try anyway. Net: Try, and you might succeed. Support quality cinema! Thanks again.

From Mathlady: Oh, wonderful and glorious Network, I’m so excited! Last night I talked with a close friend of mine (who is no longer nearby — she’s in Michigan), and she told me great news! My friend Roxy is having a baby! Net: Three huzzahs for Roxy. Huzzah! Huzzah! Huzzah! So — does the baby look like us? We were in Detroit a few months ago and … Now I’m only doing what she asked me to do, which was to spread it around. Net: We hope the father doesn’t feel the same way. What a better way to do it by telling Network! Net: A singing stripper would be a creative idea too. And just to let all of U know, Roxy and her husband are due around Christmas.

From Alone But Note Lonely: Network, I have a need that I hope you and your wide and witty readership can help me with. I need a flight partner. I have a yen to travel to Europe this spring Net: If you have a yen, maybe you should try Japan (Ha!), but the cheap flights ($400) are offered only to duos.
Since I am a solo traveler, you can do the math. I’m looking for someone who wants to fly to either London or Germany or the Netherlands, leaving on May 18, returning June 2, although I can be flexible. Net: Good travel dates. You’ll just miss the rush of flights to Germany to celebrate Hitler’s birthday.
Just think how beautiful and broadening a two-week journey abroad would be!
And we’d both save over a hundred bucks over doing it alone. Net: Just a couple questions. Do we have to hang out with you? Trapped on the same flights, will you stalk us across Europe, turning our pleasant vacation into a cat-and-mouse foray until death do we part? If so, we’re in — and Stephen King wants the screen rights. Here’s to those friendly skies …
And now, back by popular demand after a one-day hiatus:

From Yngwie:

Ode to Stupid People


Damn those stupid people.
They are always [email protected]$^ing around, or, like,
Getting on my nerves.
One day, they will ask you for a few grand,
And the next, when you want a penny for a
gumball machine,
They give you the snub.
They will try to kill you in traffic,
Then they will apologize and talk about
Their cat.
OH, how I dislike those people,
So maybe I will get a one-iron and
Wrap it around
Net: Your poem moves our hearts, and frees our minds. Thank you for your well-thought, interestingly constructed foray into free verse. Look both ways before you cross the street.

From Thomas Pynchon Jr.: Before the criticism of our beloved fraternities and sororities gets out of WHERE HAVE ALL THE FRAT BOYS GONE?

hand, I feel I must bring this up. As I was flipping through channels, I felt the need to get my daily (Get it? Daily? Net: Leave the humor to us, Tommy boy) dose of pop culture, so I turned to VH1 to see if the irreverent musings of “Pop-Up Video” were on. Alas, it was not on, but there was a video by one Paula Cole. You know who she is. She sings “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone” and the annoying theme to “Dawson’s Creek.” I got to thinking, and I realized that Paula Cole looks exactly like Lucy Lawless! Xena and the queen of New Age are one and the same. Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here … Net: Okay, that’s all interesting, and there’s more interesting stuff here, but we’re running out of space. We’ll continue this letter tomorrow. Until then, have good days and don’t get too carried away by the suspense. The letter’s not that good.