LOST BALLS

From Ironslab Z: After attending this distinguished University for the last four years, I have developed certain Net: wet dreams in relation to University buildings and landmarks, and I’m not talking about gettin’ it on in Willey Hall. I’m talking about more important, everlasting fantasies Net: What, like gettin’ it on with Smurfette in back of Papa Smurf’s grocery getter? Now that’s everlasting. For all the golfers who have ever wondered, “Can I hit a ball from Coffman to Northrop?” the answer is no. Net: Only someone from Wisconsin or Canada would try that. Last night after using the mall as a driving range, I have learned that only the longest driver can go from one end of the mall to the steps of Northrop. FYI: It is 243 yards Net: it’s obvious that your classes aren’t challenging you enough with a stiff breeze Net: (ace) in my face. As the College of Liberal Arts students lounge on the mall while becoming “educated,” I ask you a favor: Look around you for lost range balls. Net: the balls with the red stripes? I lost about 20 early Tuesday morning, after a few beers, but before I feasted on White Castle sliders. Net: I hope you paid the price. You know, we’ve always said it’s much easier to get the sliders, bring them home and throw them directly into the toilet. It’s more efficient. You know, eliminate the middle man. Contact the Daily so I can retrieve my lost balls… Net: please don’t.
Finally, for all the seniors graduating in a few short weeks: What’s the strangest place you’ve ever “left your mark” Net: Ahh, sex stains. That’s gross. Our roommate seems to find the need to do it on OUR bed. Damn hippy. at the University? For me, the list is long, but distinguished. Net: right. It includes Sanford Hall Net: yup, Middlebrook, Ted Mann Concert Hall Net: whatever, and the Weisman Art Museum Net: We bet. However, my favorite occured Tuesday, on the “1924” cornerstone of Morrill Hall. I’d challenge anyone to top that feat!!! Net: Great. Way to go. We might as well throw a big party in your honor. Woohoo.

MINNESOTA FATS

From Bob Erickson: Net: In response to the dumba$$ known as Stuck in the Genetic Wasteland, I have to respectfully disagree with her. Minnesota happens to be a great place to live because, as we all know, Net: it snows all the time and everyone’s fat. taxes go to PUBLIC FUNDING Net: and in the hands of the trustworthy Jesse “The Turd” Ventura, something that this so-called “Minnesotan” should know. However, I really doubt that this woman is actually from Minnesota, as she mistakenly Net: whoops claims. I think that her head is not in the right place, but rather Net: Stuck up her a$$? stuck about 10 feet up her fat a$$. Net: Zoiks, beat you to it. She also makes mention of the fact that all men from Minnesota have the “loser gene.” Net: And in the words of the immortal Judge Mills Lane: I believe that she is sadly mistaken.
Minnesota men are fine. The problem really is that she is ugly Net: How do you know? which is why she can’t find a man. Net: We hate fat girls, too. The old saying goes “beggars can’t be choosers,” and I believe she is trying to be a chooser. Net: We choose tater-tot hotdish My advice to this mistaken, misguided and pathetic girl is simply this: Take the next man that comes along and asks you out, for you will be lucky if there ever is one. Net: Bob, here’s your big chance!
And for her little remarks on why sport fans suck, I think I speak for majority of the student body when I say GO F&@K YOURSELF! Net: We’ve … heard that’s rather enjoyable respectfully yours, Bob Erickson. Net: yeah, go get her, Bob. Sounds like you two would be a perfect match. Maybe you should’ve written to Dr. Date instead.

RAGE AGAINST THE SPELLCHECK

From brother Rage!!!: Unfortunaltly Net: usually we correct all typos, but this guy is absolutely retarded the time has come. After reading the article by Loosey, I can no longer surpress Net: number two my rage. The dam has broken. So listen up, randoms, ’cause I’m only gonna say this once. Net: Cleatus: You don’t like us greeks. Net: And ya’ best shut yer mouth b’fore we run ya’ right outta this ghost town. You constintly Net: number three bitch and whine about how lame and stupid we are. Net: hint hint … Throwing stereo type Net: four upon stereo type Net: five on us. But then comes the weekend. Net: fragment (six) And we all sit back and watch beg and plead and whine and cry to get into our parties. Net: You’re the best (seven) Lets face it U of M with out us greeks this school would be nothing Net: this hurts our eyes for Crissakes (eight) but, date I even say it, Net: (nine) Riverfalls. Net: Ahh, we knew he must be from Wisconsin. Hey, but then again there is always house parties Net: (10) (100 peopl Net: (11) in a gravel basement paying $5 bucks Net: (12) to try and get at the 3 kegs they have, wow fun times, I suppose it does beat a Deke one-keg party though). Net: word to the streets on that one (13). And as for Loosey, what’s the point of having a girl friend Net: (14) It must hurt being this dumb… when 25 randoms will suck you off to get into your party and I won’t even say what they will do to get a beer Net: good. We’re sick of your bad attitude and terrible grammar, anyway. So I leave it to you randoms, either quit your bitching or stay in your dorms and coffee shops and save us the time of kicking your dumbasses off our lawns. Net: We’re embarrassed for you, your friends, your parents, your teachers, our school and, most of all, your frat (it probably sucks anyway — how many members did you have left after they let you in? Ten?) Yeah, and aren’t there rules about maintaining a certain grade point average, anyway? Good riddance.