A proposed ad for the University of Minn.

Learn about all of the opportunities (and costs) that the U of M has to offer.

Jesse Maxwell

Are you looking to advance your education at one of the nationâÄôs highest ranked public universities? You may want to consider the University of Minnesota as your first choice. With a plethora of majors to choose from in departments where top professors are being replaced by graduate student instructors, you can be sure your skyrocketing tuition bills are put toward worthwhile expenses. We boast 40 University employees with the title âÄúvice president,âÄù whose salaries average more than $200,000 per year. It required massive deficits and cost over 1,200 lesser jobs, but we were able to keep these essential positions! Do you enjoy the wonderful world of college sports? As a Big Ten school, we freely throw money at our sports teams for your entertainment! Seriously, we value your entertainment far more than your education. Indeed, we are sure to pay head coaches Tubby Smith and Tim Brewster more than the University president. We do our best to cater to our studentsâÄô sports lust; isnâÄôt that what college is all about? On game day, the whole campus is overrun by sports fans and becomes one huge party! Also, donâÄôt plan on taking the GRE on campus, because there wonâÄôt be any parking. Oh, did I mention we have a gym? ItâÄôs open to all 50,000 University students, plus faculty, but it only supports a few dozen âÄî maybe a hundred âÄî at a time and is rarely ever crowded. We also have computer labs, libraries, televisions, game rooms and a movie theater. Of course, to cover these costs, we only ask that you pay about $700 a year in student services fees. Well, technically there are a few other small fees: a technology fee, course fees, a stadium fee, transportation fees, University fees, but this only runs about $1,300, tops. ThereâÄôs more! If you donâÄôt have health insurance, weâÄôll provide you with a University health care plan. All students must be covered. At over $1,800 per year, you will have insurance that will help cover doctor visits without co-pays (you already paid for it up front with your Student Services Fee). So consider enrolling at the University of Minnesota, where you can expect to graduate only $23,000 in debt. Jesse Maxwell, University undergraduate student