Net: Attention, all…

Net: Attention, all ye slothful! The quarter is officially one-third over! Stand proud!
WE’VE BEEN REAL BAD

From That’s Queen Bitch to You: Hail almighty Network!
This is to the two silly twits Net: That’s ‘silly rabbits’ working in the St. Paul Student Center Monday. One of you was talking about how Thursday night was what you called “kink night” (it’s actually “Bondage Ö Go Go,” you ignorant fools) at Ground Zero; you both agreed “that stuff’s wrong!” Gee, I’m sure guys are just falling all over themselves to ask out some narrow-minded, judgmental, bigoted girls. Net: Ever been to Wisconsin? Not. Anyway, what the hell is wrong with playing some games (consensual, of course, and discussed beforehand) Net: Gee, thanks Dr. Date with one’s lover, and fulfilling some fantasies at the same time? Net: How about a nice game of chess, and then some global thermonuclear war? I tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve held a boyfriend’s hands behind his back, pushed him against the wall and had him just melt with happiness. But then again, bigoted, judgmental people like you usually think that if something is fun, it must be a sin. Net: Go-carts a sin? D’oh! Ugh. You can keep your joyless lives — I’ve got a very naughty submissive that needs to be punished until … Net: July. But the punishment that shall be administered thereafter will not be pleasurable — Netstradamus has foreseen it. Descend, King of Terror!
So have your fun while you can, Queenie. And run up those credit cards.
PANCRENIS

From Ted C. Williams: Hey there y’all at the Net! Net: YOU again! I just wanted to write to you today about the front page of Tuesday’s Daily.
Now I have nothing against the advancement of science or any new discoveries of medicine (I’d be quite a sick person if I did!), but as I sat down to eat the “wonderful” food at the Pioneer Hall cafeteria (that was sarcasm, just in case you didn’t catch that), Net: Thanks, slugger when I plopped the paper in front of me, and low and behold there is a nice size picture of a pancreas on the front page. Net: That was a pancreas? We just thought the Daily had its barn door open.
Now, maybe I just have a weak stomach in the morning, but did that picture need to be on the front page? Net: Dude! Your pancreas is showing! Couldn’t they have put it on page 10, where the article concludes? It’s bad enough trying to stomach the food in the cafeteria … the last thing I need is a picture of my digestive system to look at while I eat! Net: Ever peruse a medical dictionary? New fad diet!

SCULLY??!!

From The Idiet: Hey Net! Enough of the Super Bowl b.s. already! Who cares!? Net: Just a bunch of cocksure hooligans on the third floor of Middlebrook, as far as we can tell. Far as I’m concerned, it’s just one Sunday that’s in the way of the full disclosure. Yeah, that’s right, we are two weeks away from finding out who the smoking man really is! Net: We suspect it’s Phillip J. Morris — tobacco mogul, world conspirator. And what the deal is with the black oil? Net: And what the deal is with the sentence fragments? Not only that, the whole syndicate is going to be exposed! Net: Oooo! Oooo! Will we see their pancreases? And if that isn’t enough, three weeks from now, we’re going to know what REALLY happened to Mulder’s sister! What do you think of them apples? Course, you probably don’t even watch that show. Net: We don’t “watch” television, per se. Sure do enjoy “The X-Files,” though …

WOMANIZED

From: Darren the Victim: Yesterday I was attacked by a group of University women. They were all hitting on me — make no mistake about it — and all I did was show interest, and they suddenly got vicious and one of them punched me, pretty hard in fact. I didn’t even know these people! There were three of them, and all I did was physically show my interest — not at all in an aggressive or offensive way, but in a passive way. Net: Now Darren, we know you’re a mime, so cut it with the incredulous crap. We know it was justifiable assault. What happened was, they were talking together and making eyes at me, so I sauntered over and touched one of them, just so I could let her know I was interested. But as this was happening, I suddenly noticed — too late — that a mean look had come onto her face, and she hits me right in the throat so that I lost my voice for what seemed like a couple hours. Net: See? Then you acted like you were trapped in a box, right? Even then it had a hard time coming back. I’m obviously not writing in for advice — what else could I have done? But please, this kind of violence has got to stop. There was no aggression on my part, only on theirs. And it was pretty humiliating afterwards, when I was just staggering around and croaking. Net: Pretending like you were trapped in a frog? All I’m asking for is a little more respect in the future.

THE END OF ERM

From Kinayta: “Erm” is a filler, much like the word “um.” I have never heard it at the University but I have a friend from Long Island who uses it all the time. Like Star of the Morning (do you read Sandman comics, by any chance?), I find this word rather annoying, but not so annoying that I would write a letter of complaint about it. Net: We, erm, are having a hard time reconciling this … perhaps we need to start monitoring episodes of “The Nanny.” We suggest inserting the word “Net” for filler, y’all, instead. In the meantime, keep the mail coming; we’ll get to yours in good time.
Tomorrow: What the “King of Terror” fears the most.