Where Life Meets Style — Frightening fashions

by Aaron Leth

Ghouls, goblins, witches and Britneys! I know Halloween is next week, but my calculations and overflowing pile (OK, three) of invites to parties, this weekend is THE weekend to see and be seen, falling second only to New Year’s Eve. Please don’t even think about going to Mad-town, either, because there is nothing worse than being ordinary. Plus, going to Madison for Halloween is so 2004. Raise up, Minnie, and let’s get scary!

In the spirit of Halloween, I’ve come up with a list of the top costumes this year. Think trashy newsmakers of this year meets dead betches who should NEVER be forgotten, no matter how long ago they bellied up. Speaking ofÖ

1. Anna Nicole Smith. So I was in Party City at the Quarry this weekend – working on my own costume – and I overheard this woman say to her husband, “Which wig is the most Anna Nicole?” I harrumphed and went to find my shopping party. But it dawned on me that she is PERFECT! Not only is she dead (tear!), but also you finally have an excuse to buy that fake vomit stores sell this time of year. HA!

2. Amy Winehouse. OK, I know a certain celebrity blogger already revealed a company that makes a costume in her honor, but think how easy it could be. Nasty, rat-infested black wig. Check. Tiny jean shorts. Check. White tank and fishnets. Check, check. Smear makeup on your face, black out a few teeth with a Sharpie and grab a bottle of Jack and stiletto pumps and voila! You’re one wasted Wino!

3. Flava Flav or New York. Now, I ALMOST decided to go as Flav this year, but when I realized he picked that girl with the skeezy skin disease on Flava of Love 2, I was so unimpressed. That’s why New York is your girl to be! She dresses pretty outrageously – the girl’s got zero style – and she often looks like a drag queen. But her sass and witchy cackle laugh make her a notable betch to parody.

4. Vickie Beckham, or Posh Spice as she will forever be to me. That woman looks like a fembot. I don’t care if half of America fell in love with her on her failed NBC reality show (sources say it was entirely staged and had a working cast!). Her jankitty haircut and weird, misshapen torso make it too easy to dress up in your favorite Posh gear: think minidress, bug-eyed sunglasses, tons of lipgloss and self-tanner and peep-toe pumps. I can’t believe I know all thatÖ

5. Britney Spears. Now, I know many of you want to strut around in that sparkly black ensemble she sported at the VMAs, but I’m thinking it’d be scarier if you go as “Bald Britney,” circa last February when she beat up an SUV with an umbrella. (WOW! She was way ahead of Rihanna’s game.) I once made a picture of the sh!storm my profile picture on the Facebook, and let me just say I’ve never received so many wall posts in one day. Truly terrifying, she is.

6. Suri Cruise. This one is perhaps the easiest and scariest choice on the list; so I saved it for last. While some might think it’s weird I’ve included a child, I’m not sure Suri is human. You’ve all heard of the crazy crack that comes out of her parents’ mouths. They believe in aliens and body evils and all that outer-space religion. So why not go as the Scientology golden child, Suri? I read online somewhere she gets whatever she wants because TomKat doesn’t believe in telling her no. EVER! Oh, the lifeÖ

I’m not a fan of having arbitrarily numbered lists, but these are the top choices in my style files. I know many of you will be tempted to be a Teletubby, because for most on campus, it requires a trip to the bedroom closet instead of a trip to the mall. But do use a little creativity; if I see one more “naughty nurse” or “cutesy cheerleader,” there will be no need for that fake vomit – it will be real. I suggest Savers on Lake Street or the Goodwill on University Avenue to find cheap clothes for that one-time (or in my case, three-time!) outfit. Happy Halloween, and be careful. It’s going to be a frighteningly fashionable weekend!

-Aaron Leth welcomes comments at [email protected]