CHILLIN’
From Ludwig Van Buthead: Oh great and fabulous Net, I seek your wisdom on a relevant and important question. Are ice shows (i.e., “Grease on Ice,” Etc.) to the current generations what opera and ballet were to people hundreds of years ago: a way of saying something in a form that nobody can understand? Net: Yes; they are merely an attempt to obfuscate already over-abstract concepts in movies and theater. Just be glad that “The English Patient on Ice” never really took off. And if so, do human beings have a basic need to complicate what would otherwise be simple and straightforward? Net: Yes. See: Tax forms. And VCR instructions. And arrogant Network verbiage. And Dr. Date. Please show me the path of enlightenment. Net: Only through meditation, irresponsible self-gratification and excessive haiku can Networkians attain enlightenment. Not that it matters; T lurks in waiting, somewhere o’erhead …
BOTH WHEELS ON THE GROUND
From Atheist: I have to respond to Hulkster — I am one of those “idiots” that ride my bike in the winter. Net: Well, at least you’re secure enough to be self-depreciating. But my complaint is not so much against Hulkster as it is against other bikers. Hulkster is right in some points! Net: Yeah, especially about that New World Order thing … We bikers shouldn’t act like we own the campus! Just because we can move at 20 mph on the open road doesn’t mean we should do so on a crowded sidewalk. The pedestrians should always have the right of way. Oh sure, I occasionally get ticked off when a single person is walking right in the middle of a narrow sidewalk and gives me no room to go around so I have to slow down to her speed and wedge past or wait until we get to a more suitable crossing. Net: Holler. Curse. SAY something. She’ll move; we promise. But that’s the way it is, and I wish other bikers would do the same and stop giving this practice a bad name. And slow down through the puddles! Remember that your fender doesn’t cover your whole wheel — just because you’re not wet doesn’t mean others won’t be. Net: Actually, we would encourage splashing. Yeh — go ahead and splash. Splashing good. Of course I do wish the peds could help out sometimes by walking on the side of the sidewalk when possible (this also helps other peds pass you both ways, of course!), not congregating in huge groups lined up perpendicular to the direction of travel (again, give everyone, peds and bikers alike, room to pass you), and (worst peeve!) not walking in the middle of the bike lanes when you can walk two feet away and still get to where you are going. Net: No, no! Walk in the bike lanes! It encourages splashing … But even in these cases, we bikers should recognize that since we are more able to avoid a collision than the slow-poke peds whom we are coming up behind, it is our responsibility to slow down and go around.
WE WONDER WHAT BIG BROTHER TODD’S BEEN UP TO LATELY … ?
From Big Brother Todd: By now I’m sure most of you are saying “I wonder what Big Brother Todd’s been up to lately; I haven’t heard from him in a coon’s age.” Well, I’ll tell you. I recently took a 9-month vacation in Duluth. Net: You must know that Maritime Museum inside and OUT, brother! So much for a segue, but here goes. Big Brother Todd‘s New Year’s resolutions for 1999:
A) I am going to say “Satan bless you” every time somebody sneezes. Net: Should serve to ward off those pesky guardian angels.
4) I am going to try and drink less than eight cans of Tab every day. Net: Yeah, keep those empty calories under seven, if you can.
7) Won’t somebody please think of the children! Net: “That’s called ‘parenting,'” according to one wrestler-turned-governor.
g) I am going to write a personal letter of congratulations to whomever invented the Rubik’s cube — you d’man! Net: If it weren’t for that meddling Rubik, our Pyraminx(TM) would have been HUGE!
G) I am going to eat the world’s biggest hoagie. Net: Well move over Robbie Knievel! This guy’s got steel ones …
3) I am going to be on the “Gong Show.” Net: Get used to the sound of a gong … you’ll hear one early.
m) I am going to finally get my plan of world domination off the ground. Net: Sorry, Todd, but it seems that the King of Terror has beaten you to this one. Unless, of course, your iniquitous design be launched before July, whereupon you’ll simply be usurped by T anyhow. Might be fun while it lasts (hey, we’ve considered it!).
YO MUMIA
I hail thee NETWORK, the deity that thou art amongst us mere frail mortals here at the University. With the homage out of the way, I can finally get something off my chest. Net: Whew.
Yesterday I was passing through Coffman Union when I saw a bunch of flyers upon which were inscribed “Free Mumia.”
F##@! Mumia. I say this not out of any political motives, but a pure and holy hatred for all people on this Earth. The only people who deserve to live are the Fonz and Angie Everhart, and the entities who make up Network, Net: Of course, we wouldn’t get many intelligible letters … who I hope will procreate to make a race of superhumans. So, with that, I hope Mumia rots in the deepest and most sulfurous pit in hell, with baby demons sticking acidic pitchforks into his writhing spirit with malicious glee. Thank you very much. Net: You’re welcome … we guess. Monday: haiku of the delivered. Have a nice weekend.
