From JLB: Net, why is it that people like Flip VB can get away with making comments about big girls? I am a big girl, and I just wish that one day this week the readers would leave us alone. I don’t care if people dislike me because I am heavy, because I am happy with myself, and I enjoy meeting people that like me for me. Isn’t the saying “what’s on the inside counts” more important than looks? I bet if you asked any guy I know he would agree that my personality and my smile add up more than my looks. So please take it to heart that all these things about heavyset people are offending some of your readers. Net: JLB, you have us feeling torn. On the one hand, we pride ourselves on being a sounding board for political incorrectness, inter-clique nastiness and general on-campus irreverence. On the other hand, however, we would be nothing without a bevy of adoring readers of all shapes and colors. What to do, what to do. The a$$holes out there will likely suggest we stick to the former, then send in a slew of fat jokes to drive home their point. But considering we don’t particularly care to be lumped together with a bunch of a$$holes (who would?), we can only honor your request. That said, please realize it’s all in fun (for better or worse), and the people who say these occasionally awful things probably aren’t bad people — and might have even smiled at you on the street sometime.
And for heaven’s sake, please forgive us for reading like Dr. Date.

From ConcernedFan: I don’t know if someone else has mentioned this in the last week or so; unfortunately, I have not been able to read my beloved Net lately, Net: We have not yet received your written excuse of absence, and will be forwarding a request for banishment forthwith but Goldy, our beloved Gopher, is in dire peril of losing to Harry, the Husky in ESPN.com’s mascot challenge. Net: ‘Tis true, and ’tis sad. Has Minnesota morale sunk so low that a friggin’ dog-boy is gonna upset GOLDY? What about the crowd-surfing? The sledding at the Mooch? For chrissakes, people, get off your fat … oops, sorry … LAZY asses and log on! We don’t have a team in the real tournament; we’ve got to occupy our time with something. Come on, what is up with that? Everyone who cares, Net: and even those who don’t please go to http://espn.go.com/contests/index.html and vote for Goldy. Net: As of Tuesday evening, Goldy was down 58 percent to 42 percent. It’s not looking good for the rodent. The current contest ends on March 16. You must hurry. Net: Well, it’s not exactly a liver transplant we’re talkin’ about here … You, the people of Net, are Goldy’s only hope. Just to spur people into action, Bucky, the hated mascot from UW-Madison, won his first-round match against Gus from Georgia Southern. We must not let Goldy down and let those stinkin’ Badgers gloat. Net: Closed circuit to Badger fans: Vote for Goldy. We know, we know, the very thought makes your blood curdle. But head-to-head competition is the very essence of rivalry; we should hope our respective, respected mascots meet on the noble field of battle.

From PSEO Boy: While enjoying my lunch in Willey Hall yesterday, Net: To the best of our knowledge, the only enjoyable thing that exists within the walls of Willey Hall is the “Art of Walt Disney” class in the Big Room. Good times, easy grade. I noted with some alarm that those sneaky punks from the Southwestern Company are at it again. Allow me to explain. Net: No, please. We prefer to go through life completely and totally ignorant of any and all detail whatsoever. Long, long ago (last semester), I was given a questionnaire that asked, basically, if I wanted to Net: be a millionaire? make lots of money this summer. Like the sucker I am, I gave them my name and phone number, then promptly forgot all about it. Much later, I received a phone call inviting me to an informational meeting to learn about a “summer business internship” — and, like the sucker I am, I went and wasted a fine Wednesday evening in Blegen 115. Net: Never, ever listen to someone who offers you a job. They just might give you money and experience, and what the hell are you gonna do with that? It turns out that the Southwestern Company recruits college kids to travel to Pennsylvania or Texas or somewhere to conduct door-to-door sales of these miniature encyclopedia things. Net: Hmm … you’ve piqued our interest. We’re always looking for books to burn. Now, if I wanted to do door-to-door sales, I would have joined the Girl Scouts. For this, I missed Dawson’s Creek! Net: Here’s what happened: People kissed, cried and/or sat around looking cute. Cut. Cue sappy soundtrack. Roll credits. To be fair, the job doesn’t sound completely terrible, but if you’re not into doing door-to-door sales in strange cities, don’t give those guys your phone number. Oh, and to the cool PSEO girl I met on the 10N: Are you still at the airport? Do they need any help? Net: We do not guarantee this message will be returned. A worthwhile entry must accompany any personal correspondence. (This newsprint ain’t cheap, folks.)

From CurryGrrl: I would like to protest the fact that my last entry was denied by the illustrious Net because of the claim that you “don’t do campus politics.” Net: Protest noted and duly ignored. If I wrote in complaining about farm fraternities or about oral sex in a Rollerdiva fashion, Net: Speaking of … where is that saucy wench? this would not be a problem. Net: Yeah, pretty much. Listen, when the winning candidate breaks the elusive 500-vote mark, let us know. We’ll organize a frickin’ parade down Washington Avenue in honor of their executive mandate. So, in order to appease the gods of Network, not only will I leave you fresh fruit Net: Casabas and pomegranates only, pretty-please on my windowsill every night and partake in the jesusdance.com, I will make my entry a bit more kitschy so as to appeal to the common University audience. So, uh, you know what’s cool? Beer. And you know what sucks? Homework. OK, so this isn’t working out for me that well. Just remember to vote for Net: … uh, uh, uh. Not so fast. We’ll take your fresh produce, but no free advertisements for you.