Net: Can you believe it’s Thursday already? Boy, how the time flies. Before you know it, it will be Friday. The collective is looking forward to spending a little time at our favorite little watering hole this evening (by watering hole we, of course, are referring to the trash bins behind our tenement — our dirty, sinful hands clutching a half empty bottle of Boone’s). *sigh*
A few people actually responded to our request for THAT GUY stories, which shows that some of you actually read us. You like us, you really, really like us! Keep sending them in, and if anybody out there really is THAT GUY, please feel free to publicly humiliate yourselves even more by writing us a letter defending your rampant wordy question-asking.
Mmmmm Á content Á
THAT IT GUY
From Ares: Well, Net, ’tis been a year and some odd months since last I set foot in one of the classrooms of the Minneapolis campus Net: gotta love lecture classes but I have managed to read your sacred column religiously (well, except for the few days when you reformatted your web page and confused my Net-email script). Net: That must have been when our online folk were adding the clouds.
I remember THAT GUY as well, as do most of the students who I sat with in CSCI 3327 Net: You sunk our battleship! many, many semesters/quarters ago. (I graduated out of IT, so THAT GUY is not just limited to CLA.) Seems to me that he didn’t have a briefcase or a trench coat, though. Net: He was in disguise. THAT GUY will try to confound you at every turn! THAT GUY had this tendency to sit down in the front middle section of one of the lecture halls in EECS. Those of us who sat in the back left section had a name for him, but he was so memorable, I don’t remember what it was. I digress …. Net: We do not allow digression in Network. Please keep this under advisement.
The prof was talking about one of the antique computers Net: A Timex Sinclair? he had worked on, one whose processor had an instruction called SEX. Net: Does that instruction deal with repeating input and output loops with a streaming download at the end? Hoo-ah! THAT GUY proceeded to ask if that was his favorite instruction. There were a few giggles, but the general feeling of the class was something like “God this guy’s an idiot”. Unfortunately, as hard as I tried, THAT GUY followed me for several more classes, Net: Our conspiracy theory is that we are all assigned our own personal THAT GUY by the University (maybe the Freemasons), to prevent us from asking pertinent questions each time becoming more of an idiot than the last time. How much fun it would have been to strangle him, or put him in the path of supersparkle‘s bike with a good case of bike-rage.
UNSAFE AT ANY SPEED
Net, I’ve got to go see how well my stock options are doing. I’ve got a Mustang to pay for. Net: At least it’s not an Altima.
From MotionintheOcean: I was walking along the bike path Net: Mistake ##1 late Wednesday afternoon reading Net: Mistake ##2 the entry posted by one “supersparkle” (I am not even going to ask about that name, to each his own you know) and I couldn’t help thinking “What a sh*thead”. Now, I am one of those off-campus students who drive every day to the U, spend hours looking for free parking Net: Here’s a handy Net parking tip: Set your car on fire, and you can park anywhere! Parking tickets will simply burn and the Gopher Towing daemon-man won’t be able to get close because of the heat! cause I’m too cheap to pay the lot, and end up walking three miles to get to campus. And at least once a day, on sidewalks, mind you, crowded and otherwise, not bike paths, I come about 2 inches from getting the front tire of some dumb punk’s bike right up the crack of my ass. Sometimes, it’s just safer for us lowly pedestrians to walk on the bike paths. Net: Makes sense Á ZUH? You bike riders are hardly ever there, anyway. So now, one lone he or she, who actually uses the bike paths for what they were meant for, wants to rally together his or her fellow bikers and run us walkers out of the way. Well, bring it on. Net: Our active imagination just pictured a Road Warrior-esque bike tricked out with spikes, arrow shooters, flamethrowers and a pet dog. Umm Á on with the letter Us walkers out number you about 5-1 anyway. And If I see you coming up on me on that two wheeled butt-plug, preparing to slap me on the head or the ass or whatever terrible punishment you have in store Net: watch out, you might get called “stupid!” for the pedestrians on the bike path, I’ll smack you in the face with my back pack. Then I’ll take that precious two-wheeler of yours and toss it in the damn river.
Net: All swear words in this piece have been converted to the word NUT, which sounds better anyway.
FILLER
From Nasty McShasty: Just waking up in the mornin’ gotta thank God. I don’t know, but today seemed kinda’ odd. Ok, so I won’t rhyme the rest of this entry with Ice Cube’s hit song, but I’m all crazy thinking that I just started my NUT fourth year of tenure here at this crazy place. Net: So you’re a Sophomore? HAHAHAHAHAHA. That never gets old, does it? I can really tell, too. I remember when I was just a little geeky freshman with my Gopher Guide opened up to the page with the maps, and a backpack filled with freshly sharpened pencils and trapper keepers. But now, NUT, I just throw a handful of loose leaf Net: We prefer a little plastic sack of loose leaf, ifyouknowwhatwe’resayin’ into the old rucksack and I’m set for the semester. I guess I’m still a geek, but now at least I don’t give a NUT. Also, this year, I have noticed the crop of beautiful women is the best I have ever seen! I say God Damn, GOD DAAAAAAAUMN!!! Every one of my classes is chock full of lovely ladies. The sad thing though, is that I’m too much of a moron to do anything but dream about what I would do to pleasure each and every one of them — errrr, I mean, so how ’bout those Twins? Net: NUT twins, we prefer triplets Well, I gotta get back to unpacking my beer, beer bong, and other necessities for this new year of knowledge flying over my head at mach one. Okay, bye. Net: OK.
