Dr. Date: Hopeful for a friend; Lonely amongst mini-skirts, Missing my buddy

>Dr. Date,

I have this friend “Nolan” and he really likes this girl “Leslie.” They’re good friends, but the problem is that she has a boyfriend. They’ve been on the outs for sometime now, but they’re still together.

Should he tell her how he feels about her? Or just pretend to be happy for their relationship?

Hopeful for a friend

Dear Hopeful for a friend,

There’s nothing harder to witness than fabulous girls seemingly stuck in worthless, excuse-based relationships. If Nolan is unbiasedly certain that this is a relationship, Leslie must get out of, he has to give her the tools to do so – what she decides to do with them is her call.

Nolan shouldn’t try to push his feelings on her while she is still in the relationship. He should, however, point out to her why he believes her current status needs fixing.

Nolan should make it known that he cares about her happiness. If she’s not happy, let her know that she certainly deserves to be. It seems as though she’s become comfortable in her less-than-satisfying relationship. For many girls this could become a no-way-out situation. Let her know there is light at the end of the tunnel. A light named Nolan.

Once she is out of the relationship, he can make his move.

But if she’s been on the outs for a while, then why hasn’t she actually outed him? The problem is ultimately hers to fix. She needs to take a stance on what she wants. Right now, it doesn’t appear that she wants Nolan. She wants her current beau. Otherwise, she would have ditched the guy she’s dating and made a play for Nolan.

Basically, it’s Leslie’s triangle. If there is a triangle at all. She needs to choose what she wants. You and Nolan can’t pressure her to change.

Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

My boyfriend and I are doing the long distance thing, it has been working out well; we see each other often and talk almost every day on the phone. The trust thing was never an issue, until now.

I was really surprised when he told me about last week when several girls we both know were wearing skirts. He went up to a friend of mine and teased her by lifting her skirt up (he knew she was wearing shorts underneath). That I was fine with, but he did it again to another girl who was in mid-walk and suddenly stopped as he made the motion to flip her skirt up. He ended up touching her bare butt.

I don’t know if he was just doing this to show off to the other guys or if he was just really horny. Am I not good enough for my boyfriend so he feels the need to see and touch these other girls? Is he hitting on them? I would talk to him about this, but I’m afraid he will get mad and will think that I don’t trust him. I just want the same respect I try to show him while I am with other guys. What should I do?

Lonely amongst mini-skirts

Dear Lonely amongst mini-skirts,

First of all, there is absolutly NOTHING you did (or didn’t do) that could justify his behavior in ANY WAY. He might be a nice guy, but his actions were those of a disgusting pig, period.

First, I have to wonder about his motivation in telling you of his antics. Was he guilt-stricken (because he should be) and telling you was his way to wash himself clean? I am guessing the answer to that question is “No,” and this bothers me.

Words are great, but they are meaningless unless backed up by comparable actions. A guy can say he cares until he’s blue in the face, but it’s in his behavior that you get his true answer. It’s the whole “actions-speak-louder-than-words” phenomenon we all learned in grade school. I’d say his actions have spoken pretty loudly in this case and they are screaming “I’m not afraid to disrespect you, in fact, I’ll do it twice and then tell you about it.”

Does that make him a bad person? Maybe not. Does that make him a bad boyfriend? Maybe so.

If a guy’s certain you’re the one for him, his full-time job is to make you 110 percent confident of your stellar status in his world.

If you’re fine being his sloppy seconds, great, stay with him. This guy obviously doesn’t see you as worthy of respect. If you don’t believe you’re better than this, he won’t believe it either. You teach people how they can treat you, teach him that he cannot treat you like this ever again – dump him like the bad habit he’s become.

Dr. Date

Dear Dr. Date,

I had this huge crush on a guy, someone that I’d like to call my friend, but now I’m not so sure.

I’m pretty sure he’s dating someone, so the crush thing has kind of faded. Besides, I’m not going to make a move because I’m pathetic and don’t have the guts.

We’ve known each other since the beginning of the summer and chat all the time about things from weekend plans to things as mundane as school work.

But in the last week, he has stopped talking to me. I sent him an e-mail, he didn’t respond. I called him, he didn’t call back. I walked by him, smiled and said “hi,” he didn’t so much as look at me.

I can’t remember doing anything that would hurt our friendship. Could he have found out about my so-called crush and now be uncomfortable being around me because he’s dating someone else?

If so, does that mean that he has feelings for me as more than a friend? How can I get him to talk to me again?

Missing my buddy

Dear Missing my buddy,

He’s dating someone else! In what way could you construe that to mean anything but he’s not interested in dating you?

Guys don’t use dating decoys. What I mean is that if he wanted to be dating you, he would be. He’s not dating this new girl to throw you off or give you mixed signals. His couple status should be making everything very clear.

He doesn’t want to be dating you – he doesn’t even want to be friendly to you.

As for his drastic cold shoulder, maybe he’s been giving you signs that he doesn’t like you all along and you just haven’t taken the hint. By calling him, e-mailing him and walking up to him every chance you get, your presence could be somewhat overbearing and unwelcome. By not acknowledging you, he’s driving the point home that he’s not interested. Even a simple “hi” is more of an effort than he’s willing to make.

You’re better than this. You’re better than him. Start wasting your time on someone more deserving.

Dr. Date