From Pixee: Hello, my most phavorite Networch in the whole wide world!! That’z right, Pixee’z on a summer session rampage Newt: She turned us into a newt! (oh yes, great phun).
Anyhow, please make Rollerdiva go away; I’m sick of her selph-promotions to cover up the phact she’z a 300-lb. cow with bach hair, plus the incessant whining in the spirit of Nancy Reagan, “Drugz are bad! Drugz are bad!” Oh boo hoo, Rollerdiva. Go phuch yourselph. Newt: AAAAIGH! Come on, Pix! Turn us back!
Anyhow, I need your help, Network. It seems that I have misplaced my keyz (work and home) and my U Card at the same time! I have about six keyz on one of thoze cheap semesters.tc.umn.edu red cordz. Newt: She’s a witch! Minister!
MOC: (Shuffle, CLOMP) Yes?
Newt: Help us, pleaz! She’s cast some terrible spell!
MOC: No; she’s just a terrible speller. It’s rubbing off on you. Try this: N-E-T.
Newt: N-E-w-T. AAAAAIGH!
MOC: Hmm. Try this one: F-I-S-H.
And my U Card was probably right next to it. I’m guessing I lepht them either in an East Bank Campus Circulator or on the ground in front of Jones Hall.
I’m going to leave my inpho with you in case someone haz them and contactz you.
MOC: Net, you’re in trouble. Shall we call on Citizen?
Until then, it appearz I’ll be hiding in my measly Centennial Hall single, shaking violently with rage at the @$$##ole who didn’t leave them be, while grasping a University Dining Services phood voucher. Pleaze, if you have my keyz, save me phrom this terrible phate and contact Network. Thank you.
MOC: Okey-doke.
From Tacitus: OK, now I consider myself to be pretty darn good looking, excuse me Net: Excuse us … Hey! We got better! for being conceited, and I live in Centennial Hall for this all-too-long summer session, and I haven’t seen more than two or three hot women here. This was, to say the least, discouraging in the beginning of the year, but my homework habits have skyrocketed. Net: This is great! Thanks, Minister!
MOC: I didn’t do anything.
So anyway, imagine my surprise when these females wrote in, when I was thinking of doing just the same, mourning my lack of female companionship (other than a few friends). Net: We’re sorry … what was this about again? Hmm … thinks he’s good looking … summer, no hotties … OK … females writing in … Minister!
MOC: Yes?
Net: Did you pick this one?
MOC: It’s my job.
Net: Is this relevant to anything?
MOC: Yes.
Net: Very good then. Onward.
I’ve been at dang near every meal here and the only woman who I see so far that resembles hot is a blond that is always around when I go around beating on windows. Net: She’s the security guard. So, I guess when I see these hot fun women, I’ll believe that this entire hall isn’t one big desolate monolith dedicated to my continuing singleness. Of course, my grades are going to be bennissimo.

From Kidd-o: In regards to the lovely ladies who seek hot men, we do exist in Centennial. But alas, our lives are complicated and busy. Net: Easy there, Billy Ray Cyrus. Look for us in the cafeteria. We’ll be the only people NOT wearing Abershitty (’cause we’re normal). I will say no more than that — because I am on a secret mission from God. Net: Obsequian? Are you an Obsequian?! That is all. Bless you, my children. You may go now.
PS : Tune in the Rock And Roll Over with Brian Roberts 6 to 9 a.m. Monday throughFriday on AM 770, Radio K. You saw what happened when that guy didn’t get his V-8 … It was a lot worse when he forgot his morning dose of K. Net: Never mind … he’s just a Radio K guy. Close enough.
From Christina Pepper: I have already been approached by many people who know me who have asked if I am the “Captain Pepper” in today’s Network. Net: I’m a pepper, he’s a pepper, she’s a pepper, we’re a pepper … Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, but I have started a new job and have made many acquaintances. Net: Wouldn’t you like to be a Pepper too? And yes, I did live in Centennial Hall for two years. But it’s not me, everybody!! (I know a lot of people.) Net: Reigning Queen of Peppularity you seem to be. Ha! I also wanted to say that if Captain Pepper is going to continue using my name, stop being so desperate. A true Pepper woman does not look for men, men look for her. Net: As do French fries, salads, corn on the cob, some kinds of soups …
From EMP Shockwave: Screw the diva, there are more important things to discuss in the most widely read university forum such as … that scary-looking Old Navy chick. What the f***? You’d think that by now they’d quit putting her in commercials but noooo, for some reason they keep wanting to make us cringe every time we see her. Net: They’d have to pay her $1.5 million to fire her. What does a scary lady in big black-rimmed glasses have to do with performance fleece and board shorts? I say we boycott Old Navy, and The Gap too … khakis suck. Net: We’d like to see the commercial for that one … heh-heh … Khakis Suck. That’s good. Short shorts are the way to go. Net: Easy, Uncle Jesse. Speaking of shorts … I agree with Phlegm, rain sucks. I’ve been waiting all winter to see these girls in my theatre class wear shorts (you know who you cuties are), and does nature comply? Noooo, for some reason God decides to punish me for secretly laughing at the trench coat-wearers now that the Columbine incident made them more of outcasts than ever.