interview with Hank, The Marlboro Man

Spurinyerbut, Colo. —
Daily: Howdy Hank.
Tar Lungs: Howdy city poke, pleasure to (hack, heecghk) share a stall with ya. Good to have you at ranch Ranchero Roni.
Daily: It’s funny, Hank, how all ranches smell like shit. So, let’s get down to it. Given your empty head when it comes to health, how did you win the post of Health Commissioner here in Spurinyerbut last November?
Wheez Boy: Sho was simple. My opponent, some skinny doctor fella, was what you’d call an incumbent. He was (bleck, heagk, goufh) insultin’ me, saying things like, “Ash tray breath would suck as commissioner.” Sometimes he would grab his private part and say, “Hey tabaca teeth, bite me!”
I’m just a smoker. I don’t want any trouble, so I called my colleagues at R.J. Reynolds. They said, “Don’t worry about it Mr. M, we’ll handle him.” The doctor fella disappeared a few days later (fleeggggahh — petuuk). Last I heard, he showed up as an additive in those new all natural cigs.
Daily: What do you want to do as commissioner?
Tar Boy: Well there’s this fine cowgirl down at the office and I … Oh. Git done. I see. Health is a big concern. I want to promote it, git it done. Get people breathin’ right, eatin’ right, poopin’ regularly.
Daily: Any particular plans?
Daddy Hacker: Education is probably be a good idea. In my opinion people need to know about the dangers of smoking.
There’s a conspiracy between them toothpaste makers and those dirty doctors. They say, “Oh, you’re a bad boy or girl,” if you smoke. They have all those numbers sayin’ you’re gonna die if you smoke, you’re gonna get cancer, your lungs are going to drop out of you like a rusty muffler. But they pull every one of those out of their butts. Know why?
Gets people curious, that’s why. Fer God sakes, if it’s bad, you want more of it, like Hostess Twinkies or dirty sex acts.
My theory is that doctors and the toothpaste makers want people to smoke. More tar on yer teeth, more tooth paste. More tar in yer lungs, more doctors. Simple (bleeecch, gagg, heeghk) economics.
Daily: So, you support anti-smoking campaigns?
Butt Breath: That’s not the point.
Daily: But you admit cigs are bad?
Smokey Fart: Damn right they’re bad. You spend too much money on ’em, too much money you could be spending on other stuff. (retch, bleeck, blueeeuech) Of course, ’em free, compliments of big Marl.
Daily: So big M, if smoking’s not bad, chase me around, you wet cow turd!
Hank Hack a lot: Come ‘ere you little squ– (bleck, hhaegg, huick) I’ll ring your little neck you ugly repor– (blaeck, reck, fehg, blaecascaslkca).
Daily: Marly baby. (nudge nudge). You OK? Want a cig?