SCOURGE OF THE NORTH
From Princess Lea: Net: (sic) This weekend I had the pleasure of learning first-hand the difference between a first-class institution such as the University of Minnesota and a second-rate low class community college called St. Cloud State University. Net: As far as we can tell, the most significant difference is that we have both a scrap-metal dump for a museum and a Death Star-slash-Zamboni for an alumni center. ‘Nuff said. I have always heard that a degree from SCSU is worthless, and students only go up there to drink and waste away, which is evident from the people I knew from high school who now attend SCSU. Net: A motley crew, to be sure. Which reminds us: www.mulletsgalore.com!! Friday night, I attended the Gophers-Huskies hockey game at Mariucci and have to say I was embarrassed to be a Gophers fan. Net: Sieve-esque goalies and bored blueliners have a way of coloring our perceptions as well. But, being faithful, I made the trip up to St. Cloud on Friday night to cheer on the Gophs. But what I experienced was beyond belief. The fans at St. Cloud were nothing but drunken heathens. Neanderthals. Not even human. Now, the fans at Mariucci can get rowdy once in a great while, but the extent of their profanity is the word “sucks.” Net: Apparently, the little angels don’t do the “You worthless piece of s##!t!!” chant anymore? Guess that makes us old school … Up in St. Cloud, the students chanted “F&@k the Gophers” all night long. Several students felt the need to sit behind us Gophers fans and parents and hassle us all night, yelling profanities and even going so far as to walk up to certain parents and tell them that their son sucked. Net: Umm … the truth hurts? The highlight of the night came when a young SCSU college student sitting across the aisle from me began to puke all over herself and the unfortunate people in front of her. Net: They have a name for people like that up there: “Homecoming Queen.” As I looked at her, she had chew sticking out of her mouth, puke running down her body, and she was too drunk to even get up. As a student of SCSU, I would be embarrassed. If I were an adult Husky Net: or stout, or even portly fan, I would be even more embarrassed at the way my students acted. If any veterans were in the crowd, they would be disgusted with the way SCSU students shout profanities during the national anthem. These students are not human. Net: It all has to do with the free ducats. When you go low-cost, you inevitably go low-brow. They are another species. Maybe here at the University, we should allow more students to attend the hockey games, and bring their whiskey flasks and start drunken brawls during the game. It makes me glad to be attending a fine institution such as the University, where people treat each other with respect and get respectable educations. Net: Thank you for writing in, President Yudof. But I do have to say that the SCSU cheerleaders were not half as worthless or annoying as the Gophers cheerleaders. Net: Let’s go, ‘SOTA!
PEEK-A-BOO!
From ISeeLondonISeeFrance: Hey, Net! I am a first-time writer, so please be gentle with me. I am a little bored with what the Net has been printing lately, Net: And you want us to be gentle? so I have a question that might spice things up a bit. It has been the style for quite some time for college-aged girls to wear pants that start pretty low on the waist. Net: (Sigh.) Now, since I like to stay with the trends and I want to show off my physique, Net: This is when we wish Network could go multimedia. I wear these kind of pants. I am always careful to avoid panty-lines by wearing the smallest of thongs. Net: Our kind of gal … always looking to avoid the fashion faux pas. But the tops sometimes stick out of my pants when I bend over, reach down, Net: flirt with the president of the United States, etc. Now, here’s my :”?”: Do guys like to see this, or is it tacky? I never intentionally show them, Net: Uhhh-huh but if it happens, should I be embarrassed or not? I have witnessed this on other girls before and it’s not a big deal, but my friend recently said she thinks it’s so tacky. Net: Hey, FRIEND! SHUT THE HELL UP!! And do guys like to see panty lines or not? I know girls don’t. Readers, speak your mind, and put this concerned writer at ease. Net: At the risk of playing Dr. Date (which, by the way, we could do with three-fifths of our brain tied behind our back), we would say that, if given the choice, men will always prefer a derriÇre sans panty-lines. It gives at least the impression that the woman in question is “going commando,” which is, of course, very naughty (translation: yummy).
CROSSNERD, INTERRUPTED
To Loretta from LayZ: This letter is in response to the most uncalled-for display of utter cockiness I have ever read in the illustrious Net. Net: Apparently, you missed our treatise titled, “Net’s Greatest Hits: Some Call Them Nouns, Verbs and Adjectives; We Call Them Magic Dust We Sprinkle Throughout The Column.” (Reprints available on a limited basis.) After reading the comments by Loretta in Friday’s column, I became sick to my stomach at the pompousness (I am not sure if that is really a word) Net: Well, it is, but in our pompously pompous opinion, it shouldn’t be. We’re stickin’ with “pomposity,” mostly because it sounds like something proffered by pompous persons that I saw. I don’t know if Loretta was trying to be funny, but I highly doubt that success at the daily crossword can translate into intelligence. Obviously you can’t be too smart, or you wouldn’t have been so stupid as to write an entry that calls the entire student body f&@king idiots. Net: “Intelligence” and “smarts” are in fact mutually exclusive. I have a co-worker that is at work by 8 a.m., I arrive at 9:30, and he has the entire thing finished EVERY DAY. Yes, I said every day. I mean every once and awhile, he will miss a couple that not even someone with such self-proclaimed intelligence as yourself could answer. Net: Oh yeah? Well, our Net could beat up … oh, never mind. My question is, if you are so smart, why haven’t you received a master of crossword puzzles Net: Which, by the way, is offered at St. Cloud State and gone on to the high-paying career of puzzle making? Even my grandfather can finish almost every crossword puzzle that he tries, and he is 82 years old, had two strokes and is developing Alzheimer’s. Net: 82 years of collecting useless information is a significant head start. No offense, Gramps. Hop off that high horse and land on a rusty metal stake, you arrogant piece of s##!t.