Researchers broke through a scientific impasse late Saturday night while drinking 40-ounce cans of Old E, as they realized the substance commonly known as alcohol causes drunkenness.
University researchers Roddy Lickem and Fergus Lime stumbled upon the discovery after each consuming three bottles of the intoxicant.
“We’re lightweights,” they explained.
Gov. Jesse “The Underage Drinker” Ventura applauded the efforts, but released a statement saying he had known about this all along and we should all read his autobiography, “I Ain’t Got Time to Bleed,” to see. He concluded by saying, “Love is bigger than government, so go get liquored up.”
Lickem and Lime have been working for months in different research laboratories, including Stub and Jim’s, Spanky’s and Wally’s to come to this phenomenal conclusion.
“Next Saturday, we’ll be conducting more experiments,” Lickem said.
He added that Friday night they’re going to mix beer and hard liquor to find if the saying “beer before liquor, never been sicker” is scientifically accurate.
University students were stunned by the development.
“Well, last night I drank a case of beer, and when I woke up, my face was in the toilet and I smelled really groty,” said John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmitt, a junior studying psychology. “I thought I had been kidnapped by aliens! I couldn’t understand what had happened. But now I know …”
Symptoms of this mysterious drunkenness include excessively loud laughter, stumbling or falling down stairs, double vision and increased confidence. One student related a tale of a time when he believes he was inflicted with this condition.
“So, like, I walked up to this woman who had huge knockers and she was, like, sitting on the lap of this guy I thought I recognized from the football team, but I thought maybe it was just, like, her brother,” said the student, who wished to remain anonymous so his parents wouldn’t find out.
“I walked over to her, ready to, like, get my groove on. So I said to her, ‘Hey, like, wotta sit on my lap and see what pops up?’ and the next thing I know, this dude throws me into a wall. If I had not been affected with this drunkenness of which you speak, I totally could have fought back, dude. Instead, I just cried like a baby, and my friends threw shit at me.”
More serious symptoms of drunkenness include vomiting on the person next to you or in a corner, falling over, smelling bad and generally making a fool of yourself. Researchers do not know what happens to a body once it passes drunkenness, but underground sources say it is commonly referred to as a “stupor.” Lime predicted blackouts, great sex and headaches the next morning.
Night clubs are already tapping into this new discovery, and so are concerned citizens. Club Laid has announced free alcohol on weekends, and newspapers around the country have begun printing stories on the dangers of binge drinking.
“We’re concerned that the young-uns will be having a better time gettin’ jiggy wid it than we did when we were that age because of this new fangled al-co-hol,” said 79-year-old Billy Jean McClintock, president of the organization Binge-Drinking-Ain’t-For-You.
University professor Dick “Slim Shady” Essex, said he has seen the underground lairs where this alcohol is created to poison the population and take over the world.
“They call them breweries and give them cover names like Leinenkugel’s, Busch, Hamm’s, Coors and Michelob,” he said. “They have workers who think up names so no one will ever suspect what is going on.” Essex said he has also reported the goings on to local authorities.