Net: Y’all better …

Net: Y’all better absorb as much Net wisdom as possible today, for tomorrow’s Network will be guest-written by Ogie Oglethorpe. If it sucks, blame him, he’s the one who had to go and find the SUPER CRAZY OBJECT. We will be spending the well-earned rest day at the bar or possibly in bed! HOORAY! BED!
In a completely unrelated note, here is a list of three shows that KICK ASS (in descending order of kickassedness):
1. Junkyard Wars on TLC
2. BattleBots on Comedy Central
3. Dune on Sci-fi (Yeah, the acting is marginal and we’ve seen better visual effects on an episode of NightMan, but it at least features more of the original book than the 1984 David Lynch version, which featured less of the story than the back cover of the book).

From Abbey Someone: What the hell is with the people who run this school? Net: They are from space. Believe According to Friday’s Daily, the latest in a long series of useless building projects is a new riverboat theater. Closed circuit to Mark Yudof: BUILD A DAMN FOOTBALL STADIUM! Net: Here’s a thought we had after we saw that article: With the current shortage of campus space, why don’t we built MORE floating structures on the river? We could have a FLOATING (possibly showboat shaped) FOOTBALL STADIUM! What’s more important to us, our beloved Gophers footballers and our even more beloved Purple Helmeted Warriors, or some fairies singing and dancing on a boat? Hey Mr. Yudof: Who is more important to you, the three or four MPR-listening, sandal-wearing, pipe-smoking, beret-wearing, art major students who wouldn’t know entertainment if it came and bit them on the empty space where their nuts should be, or the countless hoards of students who are starved for a real college football experience? Net: What we need is a facility that the Vikings, Gophers, art students, kicked-out Coffman folk and Network fanatics can use. Call it the THUNDERDOME! Two sports enter, one sport leaves! NO MORE ART VENUES! Mr. Yudof: I was a sophomore four years ago when when you wrote into Network for some reason or another. I challenge you to do it again and explain to us why you won’t build us a new stadium. Nils Hasselmo would have done it, why don’t you.

From LiveFan: Well, I was taking the routine metro transit route 2A on my way home from campus and indulging in the day’s Network letters. Everything was proceeding as usual. Net: Crazy slobbery guy humping your leg? But while I was reading Boondock Saint‘s letter complaining about the U transportation, the NUTing bus breaks down. Net: Damn fatties! Always breakin’ da bus Á I sensed a collective “oh shit” from the passengers when the driver tried to contact headquarters. Naturally, I eavesdropped on the transmission. It sounded like base couldn’t hear our driver. You’d think a transit system like this ought to equip their busses with CB’s that work, I guess not. Net: Actually, they are usually just outfitted with emergency postcards that they drop in the mail when the bus breaks I also heard the driver say that she turned it off on purpose. I want to use this to prove that the bus drivers in this town are stupid. Net: An argument supported by a fact!!!! This might be a Network first! We all had to wait for fifteen minutes for the next one. Thanks Net. Creed is cool. Pearl Jam is better. Live is the best. Net: We prefer DogStar

From BsRanger: I agree with Boondock that the circulator driver has some serious issues. I found out why she drives like a bat out of hell. Net: Meatloaf reference! One Net bonus point! When she completes the route she has to wait for a specific time to leave again. The faster she drives the longer she can take a break from her stressful job. Showing up to work and not caring about your appearance must be rough! Net: It works fine for us! Sitting around all day and being crabby has to be hard too. Net: Ditto! It takes a lot of effort to get that lazy, so lets be more understanding of this poor soul who is just doing her part to make our student lives a little harder to live. Net: Crazy_Circulator_Woman, (Who shall henceforth be known as CIRCULATHORN) we here at Network salute you as our Network BAD UNIVERSITY EMPLOYEE OF THE WEEK

From pubLabsGuy: I don’t know if you guys ever publish these things, Net: Dammit, we’re not gonna print yet ANOTHER of these “I’m crazy I’m gonna blow up a building unless the dancing woodland creatures return my spectacles” manifestos but since you publish all these things about people losing their pet wallets, etc. I was curious if you could print this. Who knows, maybe people will make fun of it and laugh and so on. Net: It’s virtually guaranteed I Could become an ongoing topic of discussion, or the butt of all jokes.
At any rate, I saw this interesting woman the other day and when I looked her in her eyes, I got kind of an interesting response. Net: Blood-curdling shrieks? I suppose I should have done something at the time, but who knows … she may be married with 10 children for as much as I know of course.
Me: Kind of dingy gray jacket, Net: Dirty skin, dilated pupils, mumbling about “those white-collar guys down at Cherry Point” and “Operation SandDust” brown hair blue eyes, You: quite cute Irish-kind-of-looking, brown hair, white coat (I think), I think you also had a white car too. We parked in the same ramp, just off to the side of the Wilson library (that one which is $2.00 /hr or so) Net: Well Mr. Moneybags, why don’t you just BUY a personal ad? and I saw you getting out of your car as I left the ramp. You walked up to and past me just in front of Wilson library at about 9 am. Net: Looking for the CRAZY OBJECT? Being the curious person I am, I looked you in your eyes and we kind of stared at each other for what seemed to be quite a while Net: Ten to fifteen minutes (kind of an awkward “do I know you” moments), Net: Or one of those “Do you think I could run faster than him or should I just yell for help now” moments and given the intensity of the stare and your smile, I was curious, just a little bit, if you wouldn’t like my email address? Net: HOORAY! INTARNUT SEX! E-SEX! CYBERINTERCOURSE.COM! WWW. BOOT-KNOCKIN.COM! MDBR GETTING’ BUSY ONLINE!