From The Hot One to Infinity Sasstress: Sasstress, you seem to be utterly confused. Net: She did say she was hot for women lately … Is it possible that some careless publisher has made an error in one of your ESL textbooks? You see, you have misapplied the term “sassy.” What you really mean to say is “Biyatch.” Net: Infinity Biyatchstress? Now that just sounds plain silly … I know that it is sometimes difficult to pick up on the nuances of a foreign language, but keep trying. Net: We beg your pardon, but we couldn’t help but notice that “Biyatch” does not appear in any of our language banks. “Biathlon,” “Biracial” and “Britch” are the closest substitutes. And yes, we DO speak Bocce. If you want to impress your classmates and teacher, you could also use the term “skeezer,” an old favorite of the late, great Eazy-E. Net: Eazy-E died?! In context, you could say, “I, Infinity Sasstress, am a dirty, money-grubbing skeezer and a biyatch to boot.” I’m sure that you are also interested in understanding popular American culture. Let me be the first to recommend that you leave the narrow confines of Hennepin Avenue. You see, Uptown is a scam. Everyone tries to look smashing, but you’ll wish you had never looked at them when they open their mouths to bore you.
From ZeroGrav: Meandering through the Mall a few weeks ago, I heard a great shout (by one Brother Jed): “You’re going to Hell!” At first I was deeply shaken by this announcement, but then I realized that only one person cannot place judgment upon me. I needed a second opinion. Net: Kind of like going to Boynton. Luckily, I received that opinion earlier today. (Sadly, I am going to hell after all.) A new brother was preaching among the flock! I’d like to christen him Brother Jethro. Can anyone identify this Jethro? Net: You talkin’ about military-haircut man? No one was listening to him anyway — he’s no Brother Jed. How did he become such a brainwashed follower of the nefarious Jed? Net: Fear. Which, as we know, leads to anger. Then hate. Soon, suffering. Onward.
From -G- to CLA Whore: Three places where I will be seeing a chick with a liberal arts degree:
A) In my office, on her knees, under my desk, giving me a …… Net: Erm … stack of papers to file?
B) Corner of Hennepin Avenue and fifth. “$5 for a …, Net: Nickelbag? $10 for a …” Net: Dime. You hod, -G-. You could at least buy quantity …
C) Deja Vu. You know, those three ugly ones…
Oh, for the rest of you CLA grads, learn the phrase, “Do you want any fries with that?” It will become an essential part to your everyday life.
Net: And -G-, it sounds like you better learn the phrase, “No, your honor, I didn’t know that constituted sexual harassment.” Just a thought. Happy bomb building.
From TaeTiger: I want to ask, who in this most beautiful (because it’s springtime) University listens to Radio K? Net: Students who don’t care for mainstream music? If there are actually a few plebeians that do, I ask, why the hell would you listen to it? Net: Uhh … because they don’t care for mainstream music. OK, moving on, why doesn’t Brother Jed just pitch a tent and live at Northrop Mall? We all know how much joy and delight he brings us when he tells us that we are going to go to hell no matter what we do. Personally, I don’t think it’s fair that we have to share Brother Jed with other campuses. He should be ours and only ours!
From Troll: Ah, spring is back and rigid-planner-four-ringed-lipid-soluble steroid hormones are once again flooding our disenchanted and overeducated brains. Net: That sounds like a doozy pick-up line — or at least an excuse for leering. It’s a nice change of pace to see people wearing less than three layers of clothing after a long and bizarre winter. Net: Pshh — instead, they wear two layers of clothing and an umbrella. I realize that it’s not kosher to enjoy seeing scantily clad members of the opposite sex, but damn it, life is just a bit more pleasant, and chemistry labs go by a lot faster with attractive people in them. Net: So do trees and … and wayward green peppers and … oh, forget it. The point of this message is that I’m glad that The Minnesota Daily has decided to pick up on this trend. Dr. Date’s Wednesday column is the stuff that adolescent male fantasies are made of, and they should seriously consider featuring front-page pictures of beautiful women sitting in trees and collecting green peppers more often. Is this really too much to ask for? Net: Next week: A hunky fraternity man descends from his rooftop perch to retrieve a rumpled, soiled A&F hat from the alley. It’s all a part of title IX.
From The Mule: Greetings, Network. Your wisdom and benifluence have inspired me throughout the year. Rest assured I shall keep in touch over the summer. Net: Very good, Mulie. You can tell us if that little red-haired girl just turned you down nicely or hauled off and slapped you across the face. We’re gambling on the latter. The St. Paul Pioneer Press’s poor selection of comics has forced me to read Dilbert online, and this summer you will have the honor of being the very next thing I look up daily. What would a summer be like without the occasional dose of squirrel-related hysteria? Not to mention the spontaneous haiku and bathroom graffiti that you share with us. These are the things that make college enjoyable! I only regret that we will all be under the subjugation of King T Net: Just a friendly reminder — July 4 is the deadline for either aligning with NITWIT or being overrun by obsequian initiatives. Either way is fine with us and thus shall be deprived of the various menacing threats and insinuations of the Network concerning his eminent arrival. On that note, The Man Known Only As Baron and I have conversed, and he has convinced me to throw my legion of converted citizens into the fray on the side of Good! The day is almost upon us!
Net: Tomorrow — the end day. Sound off.