Net: We are in a foul mood today. NITWIT’s munchies ended up taking all our Fritos, and we are withdrawing big time. Don’t mess with us — we are 32 flavors and then some, AND THEY’RE ALL GONE!
You have been warned.

From Fresh-Faced: Yes, the hell of registration is upon us all, but try my predicament. I am a post-secondary student here and I registered on the sixth. I was one of the lucky ones. I got in to register and I was told that the classes were closed. Not exactly though, just closed to the Post Secondary Enrollment Options students. Net: Next thing you know, you’ll have separate drinking fountains. Intro to Modern Fiction had more than 70 spaces, but only four seats in the class are available to us. Intro to Shakespeare has only two. What is up with this? Net: When you get older, you’ll understand. Restrictions left and right! Net: You’re barely old enough to drive a car — what do you expect, free drinks? My God, we’re better students than the regular! Net: Only because you haven’t yet learned how to party.
So what’s wrong with more than, say, four kids in a class? Net: Baby-sitter fees have exploded. Does no one like us? Net: Sure, plenty of people like you — we have town meetings to notify us whenever you move into town. Or do our abnormally high IQs threaten you? Net: No, just the braces. With these two classes no longer an option for me, I had to look through and find other classes that I could take that would also fulfill my high school requirements. Net: We bet there are lots of classes that would fill your requirements AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL. In all, it took me about an hour and a half to register. All we ask is that people here give us a break. There are about 800 of us here compared to 30,000. Net: True — and you hog all the dermatology appointments! Be gone! Lighten up …

From Johnny Chewtoy: Hello to the grand emperor that thou art, Network. I am writing because I am sure that the “other” parts of the Daily would be too upset that my essay of bitching, and most others seen in thine domain, would cause a flurry of discontent and jealousy among their so-called journalists. Net: We have no pretensions of journalism here. Shoot.
You see, I have noticed a disturbing pattern of vast rectal concerns, both in the writing of the trained chimps and those whose letters get printed. Net: Any examples? That’s the least you could do in return for all the grammar and spelling mistakes we’ve had to correct so far I guess all of it is just a support movement for free speech, the greatest of all freedoms, to allow such bullshit to get published. However, it is the labeling of such work as “intelligent” or “morally right” which makes me as nauseous as if I were forced to listen to country music. Net: Ooh — what an insult to your genius. First off, I read in the editorial section yesterday in the “other” part of the paper some prick with his head waaaaaaay up his ass (here’s where that rectal part comes in, in case you were wondering) spewing some religious-right poison about homosexuality not meaning diversity. Net: You might call it bullshit, but newspapers have to call it opinion. And we’ll print yours, too. And being a straight man, I can say with no shame that this world is much better and greatly diverse with my brothers and sisters who have the need to be loved by each other — and put all the homophobic, misogynistic, “all of you others sin openly,” couldn’t-get- laid-in-a-morgue bastards in your place (which hopefully is hell, since you seem to have a hard-on for it). Net: C’mon people, smile on your brother … I imagine you have a hard time seeing the light with those sphincter muscles constantly contracted so tight! Net: Speaking from experience, oh scatologically obsessed one?
Lastly, why the hell is everyone being so hard on Jerry Springer? Net: That’s an interesting question. Back in 96 he was a featured speaker for First Amendment week, a late-fall fiasco sponsored by the Minnesota Student Association, the Daily and everyone else who has your best interests at heart. Everyone acts like he’s some phony Geraldo, Sally-type who “pretends to be a journalist” and “pretends to care about everyone on his show.” Once again, these delightful glimmerings of human thought came from those “others” who couldn’t think of anything good to write on, which happens almost every day.
As an avid fan of Jerry Net: Crusader for truth and justice everywhere, I see him as he truly is: He IS NOT trying to be a journalist and dredge up the outer reaches of the human herd to “help” them. As above, please remove the large corncob from out your ass!!! Unlike gremlin “journalists” like Geraldo, Jerry is not trying to be a journalist, but rather trying to show all of us out here that some weird shit be going on, and sometimes you just have to laugh at it all. Net: While making a helluva lot of money. Have some fun with this crazy world! Relax! Get off your goddamn high horse and love life!!!!!!

FORWARD THIS! ##$@%@^&

From Pequerdo: Today, as I was reading my beloved Daily, I realized one of the entries was a chain letter that I had already received. Maybe this Kneel character should submit some original thought instead of something that another person wrote. Net: Now is a wonderful time to reiterate our forwards policy. Normally, we don’t print them. When one strikes our fancy, however, we do, as it is unlikely that a majority of our readers have received the forward. We attribute the forward to the person who sent it. But perhaps we should mention that it’s a forward as well. Any thoughts? THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO SET NET POLICY!
Remember Kneel, you are a college student, and that means independent thought is a major part of going to college. If you enjoy using other peoples’ brains, you should join one of the many organizations’ whose purpose is to share the thoughts of other people.
Join the movement so you, too, can fit in,’ be cool and have some new friends to help you think.