Gates admits computers

The Hamburglar

In a stunning undercover investigation, The Minnesota Daily has discovered that Microsoft Corp. guru Bill Gates is computer illiterate.
Gates, co-founder, chairman and chief executive officer of the world’s leading software provider for personal computers admitted last week to having absolutely no knowledge of how to operate computers.
“The darn things terrify me,” Gates said. “My palms sweat, my fingers shake and I get a funny feeling in my left thigh whenever I’m in the same room with one of those machines. The enter key, control, insert … it all just gets so confusing.
“I’m only in the business for quick cash, but I’d give up my billions to rid the world of all this technological filth.”
And that’s exactly what he’s trying to do. Following his admission, Gates spearheaded a nationwide campaign, condemning universities for their increasing reliance on computers.
Gates said other computer gurus were aware of his technological trepidation. He secured their silence by doing occasional light housework for those who were in on his secret.
“I kept up the facade for a while, but as soon as people started requesting that I wash windows, I simply drew the line,” Gates said. “I, Bill Gates, do not do windows.”
Despite widespread protest from Institute of Technology officials, Gates is bringing his campaign to the University next week.
On Friday, Remmy Lefonque, a professor in computer science, criticized Gates for his “preposterous lambasting of the most comprehensive societal revolution in recent history.
“Besides, the guy’s a dweeb,” added Lefonque in a rare moment of clarity.
Brushing back his curly, black tresses, Lefonque said he planned to disrobe from his characteristic suit and tie and don 1960s Woodstock gear while leading a public protest against Gates’ campus crusade.
Saso Greibeird, a sixth-year senior with a self-designed major, minor and emphasis in inner-city living, fascism and scandal disclosure respectively, said he will skip the one class he is registered for to attend Gates’ speech.
“That dude is pathetic and weak,” Greibeird said. “Maybe I’ll taunt him with a monitor just to see if I can make him cry. Someone needs to bring this guy down, man. He’s a fascist and … wait, so am I.”
Gates, a staunch proponent of pencils and paper, professes to force all work requiring a computer on his “lackeys.”
“They hate it when I call them that,” Gates said with a robust laugh.
Gates said he plans to continue his campaign until he single-handedly wipes out computer use nationwide. Lefonque said he will challenge the computer guru to a duel on Northrop Mall if peaceable means do not deter Gates from his anti-technology campaign.