SAPS student group protests student protests

Justin J

Getting off your ass and taking a stand on something you believe in can be a hard thing.

Just ask Stan Doffish. He’s the president of new campus group Students Against Protesting Students.

“It’s been challenging getting this student group off the ground,” said Doffish. “But when students get off their asses and start caring, it’s a total blast.”

SAPS has been busy this semester protesting nearly one protest a day. Sticking close to campus, SAPS uses its passion for protest to get the most out of the group. They use the basic protesting equipment such as placards, chants, flyers, pamphlets, leaflets and jars of urine.

Doffish got the idea for the group when he read a controversial news article in an issue of The Minnesota Daily about a rally of hundreds of protesters. The news article was controversial because some readers deemed it biased. It was said the story was partial to a very small group of protesters protesting the hundreds of protesters’ protest.

In the weeks that followed, protesters from the group of hundreds of protesters protesting protested the protest coverage depicting the protesters protesting aforementioned protesting protesters by writing letters of protest to the editor.

The controversial news article won the Newberry Medal Award.

“After seeing this debate arise regarding a protest, the protest of that protest and then the protest of the protesters’ proteÖ Um. I can’t quiteÖ” said Doffish. “Well, anyway, the whole thing just seemed ridiculous. It’s like being told President Mark Yudof will be making pancakes at your residence hall for lunch but then he only shows up for five minutes and just walks around and leaves out the back door. It’s that ridiculous. So I decided to throw in my two cents regarding protests.”

For some SAPS members, the inspiration to join the group is far more deeply rooted.

“For me, it all began with my parents,” said emotionally-abused-but-always-covers-it-up-so-his-friends-don’t-know-the-real-him Saul O’Kay. “They’d protest my messy room, and I’d protest them yelling at me, and then they’d protest that by threatening to kick me out of the house, and then I’d clean my room out of protest. We were always bargaining.”

Even groups that have been protested by SAPS have to give them props.

“It’s a great group,” said Tad Bitlong. “We had a stance, and they took arms against it. They knew what they were doing, they did their homework. Frankly, we gave up; they were that good.”

Bitlong is president of Students For a Return of Last Year’s Papa John’s Daily Card Special, also known as SFAROLYPJDCS.

Some people say the SAPS are wasting their time.

“What a waste of frickin’ time,” said Timothy Rollize, a General College seventh-year senior. “I’ve got more important things to do than listen to people whine and complain. I mean, come on! Quit whinin’! Knock it off! You guys!”

“You’d think students would find something more worthwhile to do with their time,” said professor Jerry Assignaload.

“When I was a student, we had enough homework to keep us busy that we didn’t need to make up these so-called ‘involving’ student groups. We didn’t have to get ‘involved.’ ‘Involvement’ wasn’t an issue.”

“Students protest student protests,” said non-clever German person Augustus Keappetsimpelle. “I hate that whole play on words thing. Or is this supposed to be one of those pun deals? Well, anagram or not, we get it, already.”

SAPS might be new to the University but is not a new group elsewhere. Founded at the University of CaliforniañBerkeley, there are several chapters of SAPS around the country and Canada. Although these official chapters of SAPS exist, there are many unofficial SAPS on nearly every campus everywhere doing the same kinds of activities – completely unaware of the official group’s existence.

“You mean there are groups for this kind of thing?” said University of WisconsinñMadison freshman Fjorn Jahjouhbetcha from Sheboygan, Wisc. “We’ve been protesting protests all semester without any funding! I had to practically beg my mom for that magic marker kit to make signs! Why didn’t any of you tell me? You all hate me! I wish I was dead!”

Doffish says that the reason the University SAPS are so wonderful is because they truly believe what they’re doing is important.

Justin Jürpantz welcomes comments just where his name indicates