BABY GOT BACK
Net: It’s been gone for a long time now, but we knew that eventually, fraternity/sorority criticism would return to our tranquil space. It seems that there is little sympathy for the sorority girls near the halfway house. Sorry, girls (if you would like to be called that — “sorority women” just doesn’t sound right), it looks like time to put up or shut up. But that wouldn’t be any fun at all.
From Green Squall: I was unable to stifle my guffaws of unbounded amusement and joy as I read the Daily article concerning the ongoing feud between the sorority girls who live near the residents of the Portland Halfway House. Somebody was thinking when they set up that locale. We all need a little harassment once in a while, but nobody needs it like the uppity, label-conscious, snobbery blubberies that join sororities to assure themselves of snotty, privileged friends.
And the thought of a Republican caucus/rally outside the sorority house to protest the existence of the “unwashed” — REALLY, girls, Tootie wouldn’t approve. Rent some reruns of “The Facts of Life” and try to humble yourselves enough to live in our world. Net: When the world never seems to be living up to your dreams … You can’t buy membership or control access to the University of Minnesota neighborhoods the way your parents vote down applicants to the Minnetonka Club. Net: But … but .. WHY NOT!?!? Daddy said he could buy us anything (Sob. Fingernail breaks. Uncontrollable wailing). Keep in mind they turned down Tiger Woods once, too Net: But Tiger Woods plays golf. Some of our best friends play golf, and you can’t make that stain on your heart go away.
Please publish the date of the Republican rally. I plan to gather up as many of my gangsta friends as I can, and we’ll show you what a turf war really means, baby. And no begging to be cast for our upcoming videos either — you sealed your future when you erected that fence.
From Halfway: Did it occur to anybody reading that article on the front page of Monday’s Daily that being the inhabitant of a halfway house next door to a sorority house would be a whole lot worse than being a sorority girl next door to a halfway house?
Can you imagine the neighborhood meeting on this one? “This certainly is not the kind we want living in a quiet community like ours. The loud music, the used condoms on the lawn and all the drinking problems. And they are always making fun of their neighbors. We’ll have to ask the sorority to leave, if only to give the poor halfway guys a little rest.”
LOOKIN’ TO GET SCHOOLED
From Dr. Old School: I keep seeing these skaters on the mall wearing pads and doing sorry tricks, and it makes me wonder if it’s Blaze and his “crew of playa’z.” Net: Nah. It’s just Vanilla Ice, slummin’ before his comeback. Kids these days! Why, when I was a boy and we skated, we wore scars. Or stitches. Net: And we had iron plates where our brains used to be! Or maybe even a cast, but we would never were pads — we had too much self-respect. Net: Right. Willful destruction of one’s own body is the first thing we look for when detecting self-esteem.
And if these kids weren’t so busy being poseurs Net: Hey. It takes a long time to find yourself when you’re wearing baggy pants (that’s with a long s’ as in sucker) maybe they’d take the time to learn some tricks that didn’t suck. Why, if I see them again, I’m going to take their skateboards from them and show ’em what to do with them. Net: Go get ’em, gramps! And throw us some Geritol while you’re at it. Make way for the new breed, our friend, and let those old-school days pass away. Your knees will thank you for it.
A MATTER OF MECHANICSA MATTER
From Tigger: Oh Network, I have been pondering a matter of great importance. Mechanical engineering majors are studying to become mechanical engineers, right? And computer science majors study to become computer scientists. So following this same, do English majors study to become English? Net: No, but you might find an English class quite helpful, so you could learn that adjectives and nouns are not the same thing. And do History majors study to become history? Net: Only in the job market. Help me out, please! Thank you, and have a nice day. P.S. Does everyone realize that if Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho? Think about it. Net: And do you realize that if Harrison Ford married Judy Dick and took her name that … never mind.
WASHINGTON AVENUE BLUES SON
Net: As always, we try to leave you with a smile on your face and a song in your heart. Thus, in closing, we leave you with this letter:
From Disgusted Druscilla: This is to the bitch who decided to stuff a slew of tampons down my floor’s toilet on Tuesday morning. Net: Slow down, you move too fast. You’ve got to make the morning last. Not only was I rudely awakened by the sound of a wet-vac right outside my door Net: Just kickin’ down the cobblestones, I also have to deal with the putrid smell of piss-water seeping into my room. Net: Lookin’ for fun and feelin’ groovy!
If I ever find out which mindless whore did this Net: Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’?, I will personally sodomize her with a box of Tampax Net: I come to watch your flowers growin’ — super-plus absorbancy. Net: Ain’tcha got no rhymes for me? Then maybe next time she has a really heavy day, she’ll use a trash can to dispose of her rags. Net: Dootin’ doo doo, feelin’ groovy! Or better yet, she could use the handy deposit boxes right in the stall. After all, that’s why they were put there in the first place. Net: We got no deeds to do, no promises to keep. We’re dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep. Let the morning time drop all its petals on us (we!). Life we love you. All is groovy!
Have great days y’all. Keep hummin. Dah dah dah dah dah dee dee ….
